I'm fine.

First off, I cannot believe I am going to write one of these blogs. I would apologize, but honestly who cares. They happen.

I know I am not alone yet this is how I feel. I have had this big nasty void inside for so long. What am I doing anymore? There is just nothing inside. I just don't care about anything I am working on. I have no direction. I should clarify, I have no direction in my sculpture work. I know I will have to grow up and pick soon. But I am known as the experimenter. Apparently people have been living vicariously through me. I can inspire people and I can help people but when will I be able to inspire and help myself.

I know it begins with me but Hell if I can motivate myself to get into studio and just do it. I would rather throw my effort into something else. Working out, eating right, my day time job. Anything but studio and sculpture.

I walk in and see my greatest achievements to date, BFA paintings, just sitting in my studio and knowing that that is where they will stay unless I do something about it.  I am just so mad about it. Knowing and not doing, the story of my life. But I am Bridget Lee this cannot be my life, right? I am always on top of things and willing to lend a helping hand and staying positive and just doing the damn thing. Ha, right.

If my friend Rhona ever read these lame ass excuses I am going on about right here she would not even know me. And that also hurts. Knowing that I am not only letting myself down but others as well. Some of my friends would just pat my back and say it's okay but seriously it is not. I need to get my shovel out and dig myself out of this bull shit, laced with laziness, and guilt I am piled in. Because this is not honest dirt.

Tonight I looked around my bedroom and have this itch to clean. I am not talking vacuum, mop, or change the sheets. I am talking going through this baggage I have created for myself. This isn't healthy. I do it because I don't want to forget. But if I am not looking at it or reliving the moment constantly, like in the movie Groundhog Day, then lets face it, if it is a memory worth keeping I will have and will always remember it. If not then that's nice but it has to go.

Studio is the same way. I need to say adios to some baggage in their. Starting with those paintings, all of the little nick-knacks Zach gave me, old sketch books, anything not dealing with me as an artist at this very moment. I just cannot do it anymore. I have to have a clean slate.

I went no meat about a week ago. I am a vegetarian with vegan tendencies. But not going to jerk your chain, if I am craving a burger I am going to eat a burger. But this is a big life style change for me. I am also working out more frequently and hope to get a routine down. I need this to keep me going through the summer and for next semester's BFA class. I just need this. This is for me. No one else, just me.

Part of me says I should be using this time and effort towards someone else, I am wasting my time doing this, This isn't okay. I have to keep telling myself it is okay. It feels good to spend 30 minutes on the elliptical, then 30 minutes on Pilates, then going home and making something fresh that tastes so much better than the garbage I was eating. I just cannot help but feel selfish. I am just having a hard time balancing life right now. I have been having a hard time since January of 2011.

I have lost my way.

I need to figure it out and move on I suppose. There is always someone who has it worse. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Love, B