Good to me.

So no one likes to cry but if I had to choose my favorite one to cry, I would say it would be the kind where at first you do not realize you are crying until you feel the tears fall off your face onto your hands or your chest. To me that is the best kind of cry, the cry where you don't need to sob or wail or cry out. It is just that kind of cry that is ever so quiet and hushed. It does not need words because you know what you have to do or what you need. It is the cry where this odd sense of peace settles over you...this sense of acceptance. Acceptance, yes thats it.

Last night I cried those silent, peaceful, accepting tears for what has been, what is, and what will be. It felt so good.

Oh and I wrote! I wrote a letter to a very dear friend. I sent an SOS to another. And reassurances to yet another.

I miss you and have kept up with you and your life this whole time. I guess I haven't written because I, for some reason or another, decided that you had a new life and that you had forgotten about me. Silly? I know but that is what I was thinking. Then last night I was talking to Angie and It hit me like a freight train...She is good. She just said something I think you would have said to me and it was like someone knocked me out cold. I felt cold. I felt heartsick and lonely....oh so damn lonely. Like I would never be connected to another again. Then I cried and I realized that you...that you my dearest friend are kindred to my soul. It aches without you and for you. And you are so much more muchier than you will ever let yourself believe. You build me up, and build me up and just keep building. I feel like I have given nothing in return then you write those words and I know how I have given to you. I give to you in my work. I hope you know you are my inspiration, my strength, and my weakness. I love you even if we are miles apart.

Okay, okay, enough is enough. Vicky and I had our first meeting with the personal trainer. It went well and I am beat. Only a ten minute ab workout...Yeahhh....about that. I know I will feel it in the AM.

I rearranged today. The living room is almost unrecognizable. It feels good and I think you would love it. It feels like home. Minus Gina's coffee table and futon. Use your imagination and the room is full and warm!

Cleaning is all I think I will get accomplished this week and maybe a soak in the tub. Mmmm Hmmm.

New nail polish...Crimson. I think it looks kind of more like a Luscious Vine Ripened Tomato...Mmm yes. It is good. I almost want to take a bite of my fingers and toes.

Smooth yet rough around the edges is the way to go. I think I have a plan, some goals, and a whole Hell of a lot of work to get done! I am so excited about this and it has been so very long since I have felt this way about what I do.

It all seems to be fitting into place.

All it takes is Faith, Hope, Trust and a little Pixy dust!

Good night my loves,
B

A Postcard to Henry Purcell.

I just caught myself saying something I should have never thought of you. I just caught myself, I had to stop myself. You are pushing and pulling me down to what I never had wanted. Now I don't know what I want. But I know in my heart it is not you...

I hear the slamming, the angry slamming of doors and hushed, hurried, angry whispers. I hear accusation and hatred in your voice. I hear it and see it and in turn it makes me want to hate you for it.

I really am trying...ha, thats a lie. I just want out. It is so hard for me to get into a normal routine when everything around me is so chaotic. I hate this, this feeling of losing everything I have known. Its scary. I know in the end it will be all for the best. I really am trying to see it. I just don't feel it.

I miss you.

I want to start keeping my promises. At least keep the ones to myself. I hate the feeling that I am letting myself down.

I am starting to really look into the mirror. It is still hard and tonight someone got to the root of my problem. It made me want to weep.

Approval...in the end that is all I want. I guess, that is all anyone ever wants.

I feel like I am being slowly poisoned and at first I thought it was you but now I am beginning to see.

There is a difference between looking and seeing.

I need to reteach myself the difference. I need to start looking, seeing and listening. I am so tired of talk, talk, talking. I used to be able to go whole days with just a few words every now and then....not now.

I am so tired of push overs. Stand up for yourselfs...me included.

I am clingying to what little I have. I am not ready for it all to be yanked away. Its all moving to fast.

I have a letter to write. I have pictures to take and draw. I have canvas' standing empty and some yet made. I have clay just sitting awaiting my touch. Soon my loves, very soon.

I am just down tonight. Everything people have said...No, nothing anyone has said but the all the stuff in between the lines is what has gotten to me. Made me think. I hate that, but it is the best slap back to reality.

I want Phin and Ferb, Dora and Boots, and Twinkle Twinkle Morning star. I want my little love, my one and only, my Miss Michael Rose. She makes me feel like a million bucks and always knows what to say.

I miss my bossom friend and her words and ways. I miss photos and drinks and food. I miss you in my kitchen and on my willing couch.

I miss chinese or pizza and beer. I miss talking and watching a movie. I miss seeing your light on till 2-3 in the morning. I miss Bob and Dave. I miss your quiet ways.

I miss having structure in my life. I will get it back soon enough but right now just living by the seat of my pants and it is an odd feeling of no control.

I miss just being friends and not hating. I miss paliates, talking about boys and clothes and sports, even if I don't really care for them. I miss you in your old apartment and your little dog.

I miss my family. I miss my little sister. Barbies, walks to the silo, taking turn mowing grass, talking, talking talking, reading, sharing, fighting, cooking, laughing, loving. I miss you like CRAZY! I hate that we are growing up. I want us to go back...rewind and stay awhile. I hate that a boy now has your heart and I have to share.

Some might call me jealous because everyone has someone else to share life with and I don't. I am just possessive and can't stand to think that now I have to share any of you with another.

I am scared that I will soon be forgotten. Just another birthday on the calender. Just another face to try to remember.

I am scared that I have lost and forgotten myself and in turn people I love will slowly loss and forget me. It has happened loads of times and will continue too. Life...

The other night one of my girls brought up the loss of my old faithful, Blondie, I almost cried. I know it seems he was just around but I did truely love him. He was the first dog I can ever remember really Loving with all my heart. He was mine and I was his. It broke my heart. He had an old soul and I loved him all the more for it.

Everything seems so silly but it is all so very real.

But such as life.

I have lost my muchness.

-b

Keep it Simple & Tell the Truth.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

-T. Roethke, The Waking

Yesterday was PRODUCTIVE! Walk in the AM with April, then to studio to restretch and gesso a very large canvas, then off to the rec to meet Vicky. We signed up for a personal trainer and are going to do the sessions together, we then stayed to work out, finally April and I cleaned the office and made dinner. FULL DAY!

Today, I woke before 6:30 and just stayed in bed for another ten minutes...COFFEE Please! I was not feeling studio today so I stayed home and worked on sketching and my artist statement. I know I will have to write one sooner or later so what I do today I won't have to do tomorrow.

I have answered quite a few questions different websites recommend on answering to get started on your very own statement, for example:

• Why do you create art and what does it mean to you?
• How is your work a reflection of you?
• What is your favorite tool and medium? Why?
• What message are you trying to convey to the viewer?

And there are many more. I have four whole notebook pages filled with questions and answers. I have also made a list of words used by myself and others to describe my paintings. Yet still I am finding it difficult to start. Maybe mostly becuase I am still unsure of what I am actually trying to convey or do. I am just drawing and painting the forms and things I find most exciting to me. I am informed however that from is only part of it. I know this but yet it is what I like the most.

Anyway, Anne of Green Gables is on the tele. It is one of my all time favorites. She is an amazing character and has one of the best imaginations. I have always pictured myself as her without the red hair of course. Oh and Gilbert reminds me of someone I know, that makes me smile.

This time it feels different. I feel older yet new and fresh. I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. And I learn by where I have to go.

-B

Keep Your Promises.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-E. E. Cummings

I have recently stumbled across this poem by E.E. Cummings. It is so simple, yet it says it all. It is beautiful and I cannot bring myself to stop repeating it.

So, "here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of the tree called life..." I am scared to death of taking the wrong step in my life and art. I am afraid that this is it. This is all it will ever be. I want more, but I am afraid of hurting you or afriad that I will not win your approval. I yearn for it and I do not want to disappoint. However, I am ready to say that no matter where I go or end up, "here is the deepest secret nobody knows...I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)."

Moving on from all this sappy stuff. I made this promise not only to myself but others aswell that I was going to start a new sketch book, a drawing for everyday of the summer...HA! Yeahhh, that did not happen. I did not keep that promise. But I also promised myself I would start an offical blog and start an art journal. Both are accomplished.

So Life is good.

• Emerald and Jesse's wedding was BEAUTIFUL! Photos I had taken turned out well.
• Miss Michael Rose is AMAZING! She is so intelligent and just wonderful! It nearly broke my heart to leave her for the rest of the summer. I love neices.
• I have some new staples for my wardrobe and my bridesmaid dress is in for April's wedding.
• Mom and Dad are splendid.
• On a much more sad and lonely note, my dog Blondie passed away at the end of May. R.I.P. Old faithful friend.

So Art is just getting started!

• I just got back yesterday so I haven't even made it into studio yet.
• I need to get a stretcher bar restretched.
• I will finish building another set and get that one stretched.
• GESSO!
• Draw/PAINT!
• Research/sketches.
• Work on concept.
• Oil Clay.

So I am just trying to catch my breath and get started. I have many more feelings and thoughts but for once I am keeping it all underwraps.

New concept for me, I know!

Keeping my promises,

-B