A Postcard to Henry Purcell.

I just caught myself saying something I should have never thought of you. I just caught myself, I had to stop myself. You are pushing and pulling me down to what I never had wanted. Now I don't know what I want. But I know in my heart it is not you...

I hear the slamming, the angry slamming of doors and hushed, hurried, angry whispers. I hear accusation and hatred in your voice. I hear it and see it and in turn it makes me want to hate you for it.

I really am trying...ha, thats a lie. I just want out. It is so hard for me to get into a normal routine when everything around me is so chaotic. I hate this, this feeling of losing everything I have known. Its scary. I know in the end it will be all for the best. I really am trying to see it. I just don't feel it.

I miss you.

I want to start keeping my promises. At least keep the ones to myself. I hate the feeling that I am letting myself down.

I am starting to really look into the mirror. It is still hard and tonight someone got to the root of my problem. It made me want to weep.

Approval...in the end that is all I want. I guess, that is all anyone ever wants.

I feel like I am being slowly poisoned and at first I thought it was you but now I am beginning to see.

There is a difference between looking and seeing.

I need to reteach myself the difference. I need to start looking, seeing and listening. I am so tired of talk, talk, talking. I used to be able to go whole days with just a few words every now and then....not now.

I am so tired of push overs. Stand up for yourselfs...me included.

I am clingying to what little I have. I am not ready for it all to be yanked away. Its all moving to fast.

I have a letter to write. I have pictures to take and draw. I have canvas' standing empty and some yet made. I have clay just sitting awaiting my touch. Soon my loves, very soon.

I am just down tonight. Everything people have said...No, nothing anyone has said but the all the stuff in between the lines is what has gotten to me. Made me think. I hate that, but it is the best slap back to reality.

I want Phin and Ferb, Dora and Boots, and Twinkle Twinkle Morning star. I want my little love, my one and only, my Miss Michael Rose. She makes me feel like a million bucks and always knows what to say.

I miss my bossom friend and her words and ways. I miss photos and drinks and food. I miss you in my kitchen and on my willing couch.

I miss chinese or pizza and beer. I miss talking and watching a movie. I miss seeing your light on till 2-3 in the morning. I miss Bob and Dave. I miss your quiet ways.

I miss having structure in my life. I will get it back soon enough but right now just living by the seat of my pants and it is an odd feeling of no control.

I miss just being friends and not hating. I miss paliates, talking about boys and clothes and sports, even if I don't really care for them. I miss you in your old apartment and your little dog.

I miss my family. I miss my little sister. Barbies, walks to the silo, taking turn mowing grass, talking, talking talking, reading, sharing, fighting, cooking, laughing, loving. I miss you like CRAZY! I hate that we are growing up. I want us to go back...rewind and stay awhile. I hate that a boy now has your heart and I have to share.

Some might call me jealous because everyone has someone else to share life with and I don't. I am just possessive and can't stand to think that now I have to share any of you with another.

I am scared that I will soon be forgotten. Just another birthday on the calender. Just another face to try to remember.

I am scared that I have lost and forgotten myself and in turn people I love will slowly loss and forget me. It has happened loads of times and will continue too. Life...

The other night one of my girls brought up the loss of my old faithful, Blondie, I almost cried. I know it seems he was just around but I did truely love him. He was the first dog I can ever remember really Loving with all my heart. He was mine and I was his. It broke my heart. He had an old soul and I loved him all the more for it.

Everything seems so silly but it is all so very real.

But such as life.

I have lost my muchness.

-b