Pretty in Pink

Sometimes, I wish my life was more like an Eighties movie.

Just sometimes...

Miss Erica F. says it best, "Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness, while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys make music too ♥"

The job hunt is still on. I will continue this great search tomorrow afternoon.

*sigh*

Christmas was wonderful. Got to see my favorite little girl, Miss Michael Rose, and the rest of the family. Well minus April and Dustin, but even they found a way to join in the fun. My Aunt Rose came, and I finally got my very first knitted scarf to a certian point where she could finish it out for me. Nice, huh? I know.

Bridges of Iron and Lace. Just bouncing ideas around for sculpture. I have a semester to get this figured out. I really want to get back to studio to start some more studies for new paintings.

Art & Fear needs to find its way back to me. I need to revisit those pages. 

I need a run. I did get a new holder for my itouch when I go running. I think I will go give it a good workout when I get back.

I am not looking forward to going back but yet I am excited for an empty house for a few days.

I have other thoughts, however, I think they are for the actual pages of my notebook.

Yours truely,
B

A Simple Girl from Simple Means.

"You have the chance to love someone who loves you with all her soul. Most people are never that lucky," Jane Eyre

Well Ladies and Gentlemen,
You are looking at a girl with one college degree in the bag.

• Why get your Bachelor of Fine Arts in Painting?
• Why dual major in Sculpture?
• How much is this all really worth?

This is funny to me because if you would have asked me these questions this past summer I would have said, "I don't know. I am not sure. and It's not worth it." However, I am no longer struggling to answer these questions.
My answers are:

• I didn't start out in Fine Arts, I started out in Art Education. I switched because I reached a point where I knew I wanted to learn more and be more skilled in the arts than my current degree required. I was enrolled in an Intro to Oil class and fell in love. So, Why get my BFA in painting? I did it becuase I cannot see me doing anything else with my life. I love to paint. My hand itches to do it. To allow myself to go into a trance and just see and put down with oil and a brush on canvas what others cannot. I want to reveal things which normally hidden.  Things we push deep down and choose not to confront. Feeling alone and misunderstood when really everyone goes through these things at one point or another. 
• Why Sculpture? Because I love working with my hands. Again I love seeing and being able to get out forms that reveal what is normally hidden. 
• How much is this all really worth. To someone practical like my father, it makes no sense why I would bother wasting so much money on two degrees I cannot go out and readily get a job with, however; to me these degrees are worth so much more. they are indespensible and priceless to me. I have come to terms with the fact I will always have to have a day job to support my art habit, but somehow that doesn't worry or bother me. I would go stir crazy without a seperate occupation to distract me from my studio at least some of the time.  

Why do I feel the need to explain all of this? I hope to have people better understand how serious I am about this. This is not just some passing fancy, it is the way of life I have chosen.

Anyway, I am done with painting. ...well my painting degree, yes. But painting, no. I am taking one hour independent study in Advanced Painting Studio. I couldn't help it. When one of my painting professors, Kevin, offered to work with me again this next semester I nearly cried. I had this silly notion that once my BFA show went up that no one would want me up there in studio. I felt like I had finished and I shouldnt need that space upstairs. Yet every time I tried to move out last week I would start to dry sob and hyperventilate. I would then drop whatever I was trying to pick up and move, turn around and walk out. Silly, right? Yes, I know it was...now.

It is so odd finally being done, like officially done, with painting. I never thought I would get to this point. This last summer, I almost chose not to come back. I felt heartsick and defeated. Can I tell you a secret. I had one painting left to 'flesh out' the morning that I was supposed to hang. It was about 6:30 am and I had to be down in the gallery at 11. I stood infront of 'Syrup and Honey,' the painting from above in my title, and I wept. I wept because I realized I had beat the odds. I was almost finished but knew I never could be finished. I would never allow myself to be done with painting. I finally layed one of my demons to rest. I wished for one person to be standing beside me at that moment. Just this one person, so I could turn and look at this person and tell them, "I am Bridget Louise Lee and I am a strong person. A beautiful person. A person who knows how to chop and change. You let me go, that was your loss not mine. Not mine...not anymore." It was so intense and I knew that this would not be the last time, that was such an exciting thought, that is when I dried it up, picked up my Escoda Brush, and finished what I started.

This semester has been filled with SO much. I have made so many new connections, even though I let a few go. These connections, these people, these friends, have helped me grow as a person. I would like to think I had a hand in helping them grow too.

I also learned how and when to keep things to myself. If you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all. Fair enough, easy enough, but yet it was such a hard lesson for me to learn. I am still working on it.

Anyway, I feel like something has changed. For the better, for the worse? I am not sure yet. It just has and it was meant to be what it is. I am aware and that is enough.

I don't know? I suppose this is just a long blog about nothing much at all, but I feel it all needed to be said.

Bridget

Artist Statement, Painting BFA 2010

We constantly seek acceptance of our own growth and worth, turning to people we know for reassurance, purging ourselves of our very identity, pretending to be anyone but ourselves. My work is autobiographical. My life compels the work I do, it is necessary for it to exist; however, it is to transcend, allowing the viewer to draw forth from it their own relationships and associations to my work.


As an artist, oil paint is one of the many vehicles that drive my work. It has always held this earthly intoxicating pull for me. I love the way the brush feels in my hand and the soft, buttery feel of the paint as it glides over the surface of the canvas, pushing, flexing, asking the canvas to submit to my will. I have found through this long unsettling process, oil paint is so accepting at times, and yet, so brutally thick and unyielding at others; much like the figure in them.

For me, this body of work is inspired by the people I surround myself with everyday, from my family, to my friends, and fellow studio mates. This work is about revealing what has been hidden for so long, all of our flaws, our vulnerabilities, inabilities and limitations; unjustified insecurities we deal with everyday. I wanted to paint my work in such a way as to convey an overwhelming sense of hope, strength, and acceptance.



Bridget L. Lee

It's okay to just walk away.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that.
Sometimes you need to walk away and be okay with it.
It's not fair to my paintings to push them to new heights before they are ready.
Not fair at all.

Sometimes I feel sophocated.
I feel like I jumped in head first.
Most of the time I am scared that one of these times I won't resurface.
Cryptic, yes.
True...yes.
Well,sometimes.

Most of the time I know everyone has my best interest at heart,
But sometimes I want to make my own mistakes.
Sometimes I grow tired and weary of tip toeing around things.
I just want to walk into a room without an elephant.

Change is never easy,
Especially for me.
I don't feel strong and I never feel like I do it with ease.
Sometimes I push things down...deep away.
I don't even like revealing those things with myself.
Those are real I feel.

Sometimes it's okay to just turn and walk away.
Sometimes.

-b

Walked into the room and the place lit up.

So Manndi is bad news for all of the lights in the house. She turns on a switch and they go out. sigh...I need to call Phil and have him come change them seeing we have really high ceilings and only a short step stool. One more thing to add to my To Do list.

I have a date at the rec with Ms. E. Peters. I am excited. I haven't seen her in a good while.

I had a phone date with Miss Simpson. All I have to say is <3 my bestest of friends. I haven't felt that good or had that much fun on the phone in a good long while.

So I have been taking stock in what I all have, not only in my life outside of studio but the one inside as well. One night last week I got an itch to move anything I wasn't painting on or with or had anything to do with my show out. That was like 98% of my studio...but I moved it all down three flights of steps to my sculpture studio and ended up bringing two boxes home. I am just ready for a change and I now have begun to realize I need to be the change. So It started by getting rid of a certian asain influence and it has grown into going for a run every afternoon, cleaning out studio, and getting back in touch with an aquantiance...this last one I am still unsure of but no harm no foul.

We had a bake sale for our Sculpture Alliance club. We raised over $300 and sold almost everything-Success! And us sculpture majors are headed to St. Louis for the weekend of November 19-21. It should be good. Jersey is from there so he knows his way around.

There was another story involving sculpture....OHHHhhh yeah! So Vicky needed windows open in our studio space, we share a room with a divider wall. She has the front half by the door and I have the back smaller half with the windows and doors to neighbooring studios. Anyway, she was going out for a smoke break and I thought I would be nice and open them. I went to go push open the top window and my hand slipped and went right through. I was not severly hurt, Thank goodness, just a few scratches and lots of bruising. Jersey patched me up.

I guess news about painting. So I am only working on five paintings. They are so big I know I am not going to get eight done. I am a realist underneath all of these big, optimistic dreams. Anyway, they are going good. everything has a slight green twinge which will soon be corrected. Its hard to explain but they need to go through this to be what they can be.

Stacey hooked me up with some new tunes. Citizen Cope is my new favorite. I love his voice and his chill sound.

What else, what else...oh I have a birthday coming up. Big 2-3! Manndi called me old the other night...nah, not old, not yet anyway. I am just living and loving it.

I need to write some letters and emails and get going to the rec.

Love, B

Take care lady.

Conversation with an old friend tonight. Never thought they would talk to me again. I felt it ended badly but I welcome them back with open arms. Does this make me weak? I don't want to go into details but I just feel like it was meant to be what it is and right now that is a facebook conversation. It felt good. I did miss them dearly.

Letter writing time.

Sorry such a sad short kind of entry.

Broke two felting needles and painted over a good part in my portrait...hmmm...monday? I think yes!

Love and peace, B

Mr. Darcy's Letter

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

This weekend flew by. I feel like I have gotten quite a bit accomplished even if all it was was a few hours of painting and an artist statement. It is not ready for the public eye. But once it is I will post it. It goes under review Tuesday night in B.F.A. class. Oh man I am not have as worried about that as what Nancy, head of painting, will say. Hence why I am not sleeping at 1:41 in the am...sigh.

I think I made a very important decision over the weekend. I feel leaps and bounds older than I know I am but I feel different. Like this is a decision a grown up Bridget would make. Not ready to share it so you will just have to stay in suspense.

So I officially mucked up one painting this weekend and started another real good layer on another (knocking on wood as we speak.) It always feels good to go back to something you know you can and will succeed at when the other is going so horribly wrong and out of control.

Church felt good this morning. So, did the nap I took this afternoon. And studio tonight, well at least until I got hungry and remembered my artist statement I needed to edit.

Tomorrow I need to fit in a run. My legs are itching to get one in. Hmmm...hope tomorrow is a bit chilly. My favorite running weather!

I hear the sickness is in the air. I am trying to take care not to get it. I don't have time for it! I refuse and again knocking on wood as we speak...

Well I had more to say but I think my sketchbook will get it.

Love, B

Train in the distance.

This has been quite a week, roughed up mind body and soul.

I know you are probably joking but I take things seriously and it is not because I am a painter...It is just how I am. I really don't appreciate your sense of humor but I grin and bear it. I also don't appreciate your other remarks that are critical. I know at some point they must be said but they should be said with tacked.

Moving on. I just spent all day on something I had to scrap...My philosophy is if it is not working quit messing and mucking it up just melt it down and start again.

I had a visitor in studio and it was alright. I still prefer to have my own space and be in my own space. Well at least when I am working on my art.

Everyone seems to be having a rough couple of weeks. Its midterm already GAWH!!!

I need to get off here and go do something. Maybe go home get some sleep and start again tomorrow. I am just...I don't know? Just trying to keep my head above water.

Well peace and love,
B

Acceptance.

Artist Bio:
I can remember sitting on my Grand Lee’s porch with my small hands in hers, after awhile she would say, “Bridget, you have such pretty little hands.” It was such a simple moment yet it was such a profound one. It was then that I began to look and see in a new way, in such a way as to see everyone and thing as beautiful, even myself.


Having been born and raised on a farm near Cummings, Kansas, to Tom and Pauline Lee. The farm up on the windy hill is where it all started for me. With my Older sister and brother, April and Thomas, and my younger sister, Kimberly, always jumping in to pitch a hand, we were never afraid of getting a little dirty. I learned to love the earthy feels and scents of the farm. Playing in dad’s tool box was always a favorite past time of mine, getting dirty and oily while always managing to misplace his socket wrench. He would pick me up, dust me off, and always manage to find that oily wrench hidden underneath something, somewhere.

It was also in the kitchen of the house where I continued my love of home feels and scents, whether it was baking pies with my mother, baking bread with my Grandmother Lee, or searing a pork chop with my Grandmother Weishaar. I know the feel of the lumpy dough and rare flesh under my hands, always either kneading or tenderizing. And always with an apron on or near by, I can still feel the 100% cotton on my skin and remember the scent of it, clean laundry, flour, and grease. It was here that my family helped nurture my love of art; however, it was not until I went to college that I began to think that this wide world of art was for me.

When I started here at Kansas State University, I applied as a secondary art education major. It was not until I took Introduction to Oil Painting that I walked in to the room and realized that it smelled like home. The oil paint felt like the greasy, blackness I would find in dads tool box, as well as, the feel of the brush in my hand working its way across the canvas felt like smoothing melted butter on top of the fresh baked bread. It was here, in this place, that I found acceptance.
____________________________________________________________________________

Nancy said something to me on Thursday. I knew this but sometimes when you are so close to your work it is hard to remember everything all the time. She said, "Bridget, people will accept things in paintings that they won't accept from an image, from reality. " Then she asked me, "is it important that people know these paintings are you? I mean if you showed in a gallery in New York would it be important for the viewers there to know it is you to understand the work?" "I think this work is about acceptance, not only of your body, but its almost like you have forgiven yourself for something."

Thats it. Acceptance. I want it so bad. I yearn for it, yet I almost don't want it if it costs all this much. I just want to scream at times. I am tired of running circles for certain people. This is my time to go, to do, to see, to be. If I feel like spending time on you then it is not wasted but I am learning to say no and be okay with it.

I am not pushing myself to my limits and this is unacceptable. I need to make goals and maintain them. I didn't get all the stuff done in studio I wanted. I am going tomorrow before we head out of town with Vicky.
I need my camera case, shoes, felting. I am going to needle felt on the way out of town. I need to sketch and research, oh and read two articles for Nancy. Hmm...yes. Alrighty well off to get something done.

Right or wrong, do something because to do nothing is to fail.

-B

Sitting in my Salmon Colored Chair.

Tonight is just one of those nights. So many things running through my head that I cannot seem to lie down and just sleep. So I got up and made a to do list. I just accomplished one thing...wait two things! And yet still a whole list to go. I hope to get the rest accomplished tomorrow. Or at least most of it.

I think once I get an artist statement written I will breath easier. I just need to do it. I have my Artist Bio. done. I should post it and get some feedback...A.K.A. Ms. Darpel. ...maybe I will post my bio and statement together soon.

Painting is going slower then  I intend. I just need to focus. Its hard when six paintings are calling out for my attention all at once. I just need more wall space and room to breath.

I took up needle felting and have made five little torsos. Will post some in process pictures soon. Cannot wait for feedback on those little guys too. I am excited by felting and also my collaboration piece in painting with my studio mate Brigitte. We got a nice conversation going tonight passing back and forth canvas, wood and glassine.

A mr. someone turned on all his charm tonight. Need to nip that in the bud. I suggest you peddle your wares else where. I also learned that a different mr. someone got dumped instead of doing the dumping. I bet he is taking it hard just like all the others...except me. And then finally the last mr. someone in my life made me laugh tonight. Nathan collaborating with Manndi is a sight to see. Will post pictures of that soon as well.

Birthdays all around. Kylee and Vicky and Nathan and Brigitte. Soon, too soon it will be my turn. A nice quite night is all I ask for....okay so maybe I want to be surprised and kidnapped and wooshed off to dinner and drinks but I won't ask for it and I won't expect it. Just saying it would be nice.

Dreams come and go but one stuck particularly well the other night. I don't remember the first part of the dream but I just remember walking from darkness into a light airy open space with misty clouds and a huge white staircase just going up and up and up. I just remember standing there and looking up. Thats it. Just waiting for something amazing I guess. I wonder if this means I am on the verge of great things but I just have to push to take the first step? I wish I would be dreaming right now. Maybe its time to lay down and try again.

A studio mate, Katie, one of her paintings reminds me of Arizona.

Thats all tonight, I think.  

Cheers, B

HALLOWEEN!

Thats what I want it to be...meeh actually I think I just want to carve pumpkins. Thomas planted them this year in the garden and they looked amazing when I left...I wonder if he will have a crop of them this year?

Painting is going well I just started another canvas tonight. So five started and one two sets of stretcher bars need making and one needs stretching.

I should go print off my images. Oh and edit my partners artist biography. I am excited for our artist statement workshop on tuesday night.

Dog sitting this weeked for a friend. Hope Teys is ready because I am! Love that dog.

Felting and flesh have been on my mind. I found out that Kevin's wife felts sculpturally as well as functionally, so I am definitely going to hit her up and see if she can do a demo for sculpture. I want to try it so bad.

I was elected KSU Painting Society President. That was neat. Now bring on all the work that comes with the title. My inbox has exploded with all tons of emails already. Painting Society has a show in Greensburg at the 5.4.7. Arts Center starting October 22 through November 27. People seem real excited about it. Carnegie Arts Center in Leavenworth asked us back aswell! AMAZING!

OH but the most important show happens December 13-17th of this year! My BFA Show! It is the highlight of my undergrad career. It is where I get to share the gallery with two fellow students and show the series of work we have been working so hard on. So please mark it down the show will be up from Monday to that Friday with a closing reception on the 17th! It is going to be great! I cannot wait.

Went out Friday night to celebrate my roommate, Brigitte's, Birthday and my friend Nathan's Birthday! It was good. I don't think I have had that much fun since living with Kylee and going out with Scottee, Kylee, and the gang. It was tons of fun and I made some new friends. I think they are keepers!

It feels good to be in studio. It hasn't felt this good in a long while. I like having certian company. It makes me want to work harder and be better.

I posted some pictures of older work. I hope you enjoy.
Cheers, B

Between the Lines.

Dustin and April Engagement Picture

My Niece, Michael Rose



Strength, Courage, Wisdom--Woven Newspaper, Acyrlic, Ink, Oil paint.





Strength, Courage, Wisdom-Woven Newspaper, Acrylic, Ink, and Oil paint.

Detail-Color Theory Quilt exploring Transparency, warm/cool, and light/dark

Color Theory Quilt--Exploring Transparency, warm/cool, and light/dark.

Always harder than it seems.

These last couple of weeks have been crazy.

My last and finally roommate moved in, Manndi Jo. She completes our household full of art majors. She is funny, clever, and quick. I like her and think we shall keep her around.

This weekend was spent out and about. Friday night the art girls came over for dinner and talk. Ran out of propane but the oven does just the same. Saturday night was April and D's going away party. The place was packed and dinner was good. It made me realize how much they both will be missed. They are wonderful people and have touched so many lives. I didn't realise until last night how much I will miss them. Yesterday was spent with the family, Mom, Dad, Thomas, Rachel, Miss Michael, Rosie and Tim. Good times. I think April finally let the tears come. she has been holding them in. We wept with each other for a little bit then I sat back in D's cushy leather seats and cried myself into quiet.

I realized this is not a good bye but an until then. April will be back before we all know it but in the mean time she has to go on living her life and this is the one she chose. It will be good for her.

So Started three of my four big canvases. I think I will go paint on them a little this morning. It is always peaceful in studio...or at least it was as of Friday. I am happy where I am and what I am doing. You were right. Smooth is my thing. I just had to be the one to decide that.

Work in the dishroom today. My favorite. Then off to sculpture studio to set stuff up and clean stuff out.

I hope to post some more work later this week. And maybe a few family pictures.

I dreamt of you last night. It felt so surreal. It makes me wonder what if's.

Coffee has gotten cold so I guess it is time to go.

Thank you for your call. It was a pleasant surprise!

Enjoy your Monday,
Love, B

Tricep Dips

Been awhile...

Yet again no studio this week. That makes three weeks.
Excuses, excuses.
I have been thinking of it non-stop though. I guess that is something.
I am purchasing some ripped 2x6's from Stef for stretcher bars. I am also buying two already made stretcher bars off her. One even has canvas! So I just need to find images to put on them!

I plan on getting in there this weekend to at least stretch, get both of them gessoed, and ready to go. That will be three canvas down and only five left to think about making. I know I need another 6x7 ft and a 5x7 ft. So I will only need to figure out three more sizes...first I need to figure out photos.

I have some up on my wall now...six to be exact. four belong and two just don't feel quite right. I am not sure but the photos I really like all just have this certian light and dark to them. They are revealing without being risque. I have decided that is not what I am looking for. I don't want to shock...I just want to let it be.

So photos and studio tomorrow.

Personal training is kicking my butt. I am so sore today. We are on day two of our three day stretch of workouts. It was another full body day but different muscle groups. It feels good to workout, but somedays I just want to get out and run. Just go and be on my own. I guess there is no law that says I can't workout by myself and then go to P.T. sessions too.

Made myself dinner tonight. It has been awhile since I have had to do that. It felt good. I need to take stock and find my old recipies for certian things. Hotdogs are always good but I wish I had mac and cheese to go with it...wait! I have elbow noodles, milk and butter...Oh man I am golden! Maybe Mac-n Cheese tomorrow with grilled hotdog and some veggies...maybe tomatoes?

Not sure, but I have much produce from home! I am excited about that. I need fruit though...Bananas! Extra Green please! Maybe some peaches too...mmmm yes.

Kim, is all moved in to her new digs down in OK. She has cute furniture or so she says.

April and D are all moved out of 517 Vattier Street. It is quiet without them here. My new roomie, Brigitte, left me alone till Tuesday. I have the house all to my lonesome till then. I like the quiet. I have gone to leaving stuff where I want to though and I will have to mend my ways quickly before people get back.

Rhona and Vicky are coming over tomorrow night. Fire pit, roasted cat pillows, and some girl talk.

I have lots of mail to be mailed out tomorrow...sheesh. The Post Office is going to love me.

Well hell, its late and I have more to say but I have rambled on long enough,

-b

Good to me.

So no one likes to cry but if I had to choose my favorite one to cry, I would say it would be the kind where at first you do not realize you are crying until you feel the tears fall off your face onto your hands or your chest. To me that is the best kind of cry, the cry where you don't need to sob or wail or cry out. It is just that kind of cry that is ever so quiet and hushed. It does not need words because you know what you have to do or what you need. It is the cry where this odd sense of peace settles over you...this sense of acceptance. Acceptance, yes thats it.

Last night I cried those silent, peaceful, accepting tears for what has been, what is, and what will be. It felt so good.

Oh and I wrote! I wrote a letter to a very dear friend. I sent an SOS to another. And reassurances to yet another.

I miss you and have kept up with you and your life this whole time. I guess I haven't written because I, for some reason or another, decided that you had a new life and that you had forgotten about me. Silly? I know but that is what I was thinking. Then last night I was talking to Angie and It hit me like a freight train...She is good. She just said something I think you would have said to me and it was like someone knocked me out cold. I felt cold. I felt heartsick and lonely....oh so damn lonely. Like I would never be connected to another again. Then I cried and I realized that you...that you my dearest friend are kindred to my soul. It aches without you and for you. And you are so much more muchier than you will ever let yourself believe. You build me up, and build me up and just keep building. I feel like I have given nothing in return then you write those words and I know how I have given to you. I give to you in my work. I hope you know you are my inspiration, my strength, and my weakness. I love you even if we are miles apart.

Okay, okay, enough is enough. Vicky and I had our first meeting with the personal trainer. It went well and I am beat. Only a ten minute ab workout...Yeahhh....about that. I know I will feel it in the AM.

I rearranged today. The living room is almost unrecognizable. It feels good and I think you would love it. It feels like home. Minus Gina's coffee table and futon. Use your imagination and the room is full and warm!

Cleaning is all I think I will get accomplished this week and maybe a soak in the tub. Mmmm Hmmm.

New nail polish...Crimson. I think it looks kind of more like a Luscious Vine Ripened Tomato...Mmm yes. It is good. I almost want to take a bite of my fingers and toes.

Smooth yet rough around the edges is the way to go. I think I have a plan, some goals, and a whole Hell of a lot of work to get done! I am so excited about this and it has been so very long since I have felt this way about what I do.

It all seems to be fitting into place.

All it takes is Faith, Hope, Trust and a little Pixy dust!

Good night my loves,
B

A Postcard to Henry Purcell.

I just caught myself saying something I should have never thought of you. I just caught myself, I had to stop myself. You are pushing and pulling me down to what I never had wanted. Now I don't know what I want. But I know in my heart it is not you...

I hear the slamming, the angry slamming of doors and hushed, hurried, angry whispers. I hear accusation and hatred in your voice. I hear it and see it and in turn it makes me want to hate you for it.

I really am trying...ha, thats a lie. I just want out. It is so hard for me to get into a normal routine when everything around me is so chaotic. I hate this, this feeling of losing everything I have known. Its scary. I know in the end it will be all for the best. I really am trying to see it. I just don't feel it.

I miss you.

I want to start keeping my promises. At least keep the ones to myself. I hate the feeling that I am letting myself down.

I am starting to really look into the mirror. It is still hard and tonight someone got to the root of my problem. It made me want to weep.

Approval...in the end that is all I want. I guess, that is all anyone ever wants.

I feel like I am being slowly poisoned and at first I thought it was you but now I am beginning to see.

There is a difference between looking and seeing.

I need to reteach myself the difference. I need to start looking, seeing and listening. I am so tired of talk, talk, talking. I used to be able to go whole days with just a few words every now and then....not now.

I am so tired of push overs. Stand up for yourselfs...me included.

I am clingying to what little I have. I am not ready for it all to be yanked away. Its all moving to fast.

I have a letter to write. I have pictures to take and draw. I have canvas' standing empty and some yet made. I have clay just sitting awaiting my touch. Soon my loves, very soon.

I am just down tonight. Everything people have said...No, nothing anyone has said but the all the stuff in between the lines is what has gotten to me. Made me think. I hate that, but it is the best slap back to reality.

I want Phin and Ferb, Dora and Boots, and Twinkle Twinkle Morning star. I want my little love, my one and only, my Miss Michael Rose. She makes me feel like a million bucks and always knows what to say.

I miss my bossom friend and her words and ways. I miss photos and drinks and food. I miss you in my kitchen and on my willing couch.

I miss chinese or pizza and beer. I miss talking and watching a movie. I miss seeing your light on till 2-3 in the morning. I miss Bob and Dave. I miss your quiet ways.

I miss having structure in my life. I will get it back soon enough but right now just living by the seat of my pants and it is an odd feeling of no control.

I miss just being friends and not hating. I miss paliates, talking about boys and clothes and sports, even if I don't really care for them. I miss you in your old apartment and your little dog.

I miss my family. I miss my little sister. Barbies, walks to the silo, taking turn mowing grass, talking, talking talking, reading, sharing, fighting, cooking, laughing, loving. I miss you like CRAZY! I hate that we are growing up. I want us to go back...rewind and stay awhile. I hate that a boy now has your heart and I have to share.

Some might call me jealous because everyone has someone else to share life with and I don't. I am just possessive and can't stand to think that now I have to share any of you with another.

I am scared that I will soon be forgotten. Just another birthday on the calender. Just another face to try to remember.

I am scared that I have lost and forgotten myself and in turn people I love will slowly loss and forget me. It has happened loads of times and will continue too. Life...

The other night one of my girls brought up the loss of my old faithful, Blondie, I almost cried. I know it seems he was just around but I did truely love him. He was the first dog I can ever remember really Loving with all my heart. He was mine and I was his. It broke my heart. He had an old soul and I loved him all the more for it.

Everything seems so silly but it is all so very real.

But such as life.

I have lost my muchness.

-b

Keep it Simple & Tell the Truth.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

-T. Roethke, The Waking

Yesterday was PRODUCTIVE! Walk in the AM with April, then to studio to restretch and gesso a very large canvas, then off to the rec to meet Vicky. We signed up for a personal trainer and are going to do the sessions together, we then stayed to work out, finally April and I cleaned the office and made dinner. FULL DAY!

Today, I woke before 6:30 and just stayed in bed for another ten minutes...COFFEE Please! I was not feeling studio today so I stayed home and worked on sketching and my artist statement. I know I will have to write one sooner or later so what I do today I won't have to do tomorrow.

I have answered quite a few questions different websites recommend on answering to get started on your very own statement, for example:

• Why do you create art and what does it mean to you?
• How is your work a reflection of you?
• What is your favorite tool and medium? Why?
• What message are you trying to convey to the viewer?

And there are many more. I have four whole notebook pages filled with questions and answers. I have also made a list of words used by myself and others to describe my paintings. Yet still I am finding it difficult to start. Maybe mostly becuase I am still unsure of what I am actually trying to convey or do. I am just drawing and painting the forms and things I find most exciting to me. I am informed however that from is only part of it. I know this but yet it is what I like the most.

Anyway, Anne of Green Gables is on the tele. It is one of my all time favorites. She is an amazing character and has one of the best imaginations. I have always pictured myself as her without the red hair of course. Oh and Gilbert reminds me of someone I know, that makes me smile.

This time it feels different. I feel older yet new and fresh. I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. And I learn by where I have to go.

-B

Keep Your Promises.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-E. E. Cummings

I have recently stumbled across this poem by E.E. Cummings. It is so simple, yet it says it all. It is beautiful and I cannot bring myself to stop repeating it.

So, "here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of the tree called life..." I am scared to death of taking the wrong step in my life and art. I am afraid that this is it. This is all it will ever be. I want more, but I am afraid of hurting you or afriad that I will not win your approval. I yearn for it and I do not want to disappoint. However, I am ready to say that no matter where I go or end up, "here is the deepest secret nobody knows...I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)."

Moving on from all this sappy stuff. I made this promise not only to myself but others aswell that I was going to start a new sketch book, a drawing for everyday of the summer...HA! Yeahhh, that did not happen. I did not keep that promise. But I also promised myself I would start an offical blog and start an art journal. Both are accomplished.

So Life is good.

• Emerald and Jesse's wedding was BEAUTIFUL! Photos I had taken turned out well.
• Miss Michael Rose is AMAZING! She is so intelligent and just wonderful! It nearly broke my heart to leave her for the rest of the summer. I love neices.
• I have some new staples for my wardrobe and my bridesmaid dress is in for April's wedding.
• Mom and Dad are splendid.
• On a much more sad and lonely note, my dog Blondie passed away at the end of May. R.I.P. Old faithful friend.

So Art is just getting started!

• I just got back yesterday so I haven't even made it into studio yet.
• I need to get a stretcher bar restretched.
• I will finish building another set and get that one stretched.
• GESSO!
• Draw/PAINT!
• Research/sketches.
• Work on concept.
• Oil Clay.

So I am just trying to catch my breath and get started. I have many more feelings and thoughts but for once I am keeping it all underwraps.

New concept for me, I know!

Keeping my promises,

-B