Where to begin. These last two days have been most excellent days.
My honey finally got one new phone. I was napping when I got the text yesterday at 1:18 pm. I did not hesitate, I jumped up, told kim to keep napping, grabbed my purse and some shoes and ran for the door. My first thought was Nico so to Longhorn I went. I ran in and went straight to the line. Nico was caught by surprise and I couldn't put two words together I was shaking/almost crying. I finally got out that Jorge was alive and he messaged me. I handed him my phone card and was like how do I call him? He explained and I took myself back out to the parking lot. I dialed and he answered!
It was soooo good to hear his voice. I started crying immediately. He asked if I was happy or sad. I said happy, always happy to hear his voice. We talked for awhile and he asked if I was working, I said no but I came to Longhorn to ask Nico how to call him. So I said uno momento honey and took myself back inside and handed the phone to Nico. It was good to see his him so happy. We were both so worried about Jorge, it was so great, my heart almost couldn't take it.
Michele chased me down in the parking lot when I finished talking to Jorge and asked me about him. She was genuinely happy that he was ok and made it home. She apologized for everything that went down and it felt good. I told her no one would be able to kick the smile off of my face today. I was completely and utterly happy.
Today, I got to talk with my Aunt Rosie and a little bit to my Aunt Ann before I went to work. I have a phone date with Ann this Saturday afternoon. But right now, I have one with my honey.
I love you all and wish you a very good night filled with sweet dreams,
Tonight is going to be a hard night, I already feel it. My heart hurts and my memories are fresh. I have been doing so well holding it all together but I just want to cry and so it shall be.
Sundays were his only whole day off. So he would do laundry, eat with his roommates/amigos and then hopefully do music that night. He was the singer in the band. He loves his music, don't they all. I would give him till ten, ten thirty then message him and ask if he wanted to come over. we would just lay in bed and watch Mexican youtube music videos and talk about our past week and the week yet to come.
"Mi Alma Te Seguira" - Alessandra Nuzzi
An example of one of the many music videos we watched. I think this sounds better en Espanol and is appropriate for this month.
________________________________________________
Nico looked tired today. He works two full time jobs. I am not sure how he does it. I have one and I am exhausted or so I think I am.
He looked hopfully at me today and asked if I had heard from Jorge. I told him I would have messaged him if I had and we both would be talking to him right now. Nico says he doesn't understand what is taking so long. He is worried for his best friend.
I can only pray to God and keep my faith that he is alive and fine. I am hoping he is with his family and has just gotten so caught up in being home he hasn't had time to send word. No matter, I will forgive whatever. But if come next Sunday and I don't hear from him, I might lose my mind. However, for now, I will just shed a few tears, listen to some music videos and remember all the good times.
Don't think I will rest completely easy until I hear from him. And then I don't think I will rest easy until he is holding me again. Ok, enough.
Went to church . It felt good but wish I wasn't so tired. Tomorrow is another early one but I am actually looking forward to truck and prep with Nico. So I will say goodnight to all, mostly Scottee.
And a goodnight to my love, wherever he may be. Love and miss you (also applies to Scottee)
My first thought when I heard my alarm was, "why bother."
Then my second thought was, "Because you are Bridget Fuckin Lee thats why, now get your ass up."
So got up and went for a three mile run/walk this morning. Don't know where all this energy came from but once I started I just couldn't stop. I walked twice, but I am so out of shape, I am surprised I didn't walk more.
Cleaned house and conned Kim into helping me. It was good and the house smells and looks like a MILLION dollars.
Made Grandma Lee's strawberry shortcake for dinner with Ken and Megs tonight. It was sooo good. I am sad Megan felt a bit poopy.
Her dogs are cute.
I feel so much better today. I think I needed to put everything down in black and white and not on paper, not yet, but in here. I think, that it might have killed me if I would have actually penned those words on paper. For some reason paper and pen makes it seem so final and a bit hopeless, but more romantic then in a blog I suppose. I just needed a way to record it and I did.
I still haven't heard from him but he said it would be Friday or Saturday before he could get a new phone. I just keep watching facebook chat and my phone hasn't left my side. I think I will rest so much easier knowing he is ok. That he is home with his Mom and his babies.
I got lots of sun today, and water. Maybe this is why my attitude has improved. Oh and having two days off in a row has helped. Wish I would have made it home but with my luck with vehicles lately I don't think that the longer drive would be a great idea.
I made salsa today and it is FUCKING DELICIOUS! Mmmm, had it for breakfast and lunch and plan on eating the rest tomorrow. So good.
I work a double tomorrow. bleh.
Rhona and Kimo invited me out for a drink. Part of me wants to say no but they promised not to stay out past midnight and I know I would be up anyway. So I accepted. I better go get ready....
what to wear...what to wear?
clothes I suppose.
I cannot wait to get up and go for another run tomorrow.
I feel like I have two options:
1. Sit around, be sad and mopey, and die a little inside and out...
or...
2. Look HOT for him when I get to see him next. I choose life and lookin like a Bad Ass.
Oh and I kind of forgot how nice and addicting a good run is.
Thinking about salsa...
Ha, part of me is glad he is not here to kiss me, he would probably only taste salsa kisses.
Alright cutting it short and kind of sweet...or savory...or spicy :)
-B
P.S. Love running to this song. First time watching this video...looks kind of like soft porn. But it makes you want to get up and move and that is what matters!
This song came on over my pandora as I pulled the truck away from him last night. It really did not hit me what I had done until I got two blocks from the house and I had to talk myself down out of hysteria.
This is quite literally, the most physically and emotionally difficult thing I have ever done in my life of 25 years.
It all happened so suddenly.
I feel like the worst person for posting what I did on Sunday because Monday afternoon I found out why he hadn't texted me. He bought his bus ticket and would be leaving on Tuesday night and he was so sad he didn't want me to be sad too.
One of my friends called this act selfish, but quite honestly, that thought never crossed my mind. He was trying to protect me. He hurt so bad he wanted to save me from it too. I thought it rather brave to try to carry all that hurt by himself. However, the burden is easier to carry with another set of hands and heart.
I was working a double that day. I didn't have much time between breaks so I just stayed and had lunch with Alex at the store, Nico was line cook for lunch. I had taken a little walk around the strip mall but came right back with this information and presented it to Nico, Jorge's roommate. He just listened to me carry on for a bit then looked at me and told me not to cry. I said, "I won't, I don't know if I have time to be mad or sad right now, he is leaving tomorrow!"
So I insisted I see Jorge that night after work, quickest close ever. I knew it was his last night and his roommates were going out drinking but I hadn't gotten to see him since Friday, tonight he was mine. He agreed and came quietly. His quiet strength amazes me. I mean if it were me I would want to kick and scream and just lose it, not him, so quiet, so strong.
I showered and had some dinner. we chit chatted for awhile but in the end we ended up watching each other, studying each other features; the way his eye lashes lay on his cheeks when he blinks or closes his eyes, the scar on his forehead and underneath his bottom lip, his mole on the right side of his chin, his big brown eyes, just taking everything about each other in. I think we both knew and were resigned to the fact that this was going to be our last night, meaningless chit chat would never fill the void that was about to be in both of our chests.
He reached for me and I went willingly into those strong arms. We kissed slowly and wiped away each others burning tears. He then held me so tight I thought I might melt right into him. I willed my skin to absorb right into his.
The next morning, we walked outside to snow. He looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, "What a crazy day." ...and how.
I worked, so I took him home and went to clean and prep at Longhorns. Got out of there about noon. Texted him because he was going to take me to the Mexican Grocery store to get a phone card. He was with Nico and little Juan having lunch at La Fiesta. He called and asked me to join them. I changed and went.
I always feel like Nico is so cool and collected. I got there and Nico scooted over to let me sit down. I was starving but when I got there I couldn't even look at the chips and salsa. I forced myself to eat something, a chicken tacos and rice. I got to sit across from Jorge, so I could study him. He looked so fatigued and hadn't really touched his food. And I didn't listen to most of the conversation, but Nico finally said, "Bridget, you is gringa, it is very easy for you. You get your passport and the world is open to you." He said, "I, I is Mexican, but I cannot go back to Mexico, it is not good, but you, for you it is very easy. Do not be sad." I just smiled and shook my head. I get tired of being told not to be sad, but somehow managed to smile.
So Jorge and I got up and left. I swear we gave every employee of La Fiesta whiplash for how fast they turned their heads to stare at us walk out together hand in hand. Seeing as most of them know him and me separate. I mean, Rosa and I are on first name terms and the cute little chip guy turned server that I used to smile and make eyes with looked a bit betrayed.
Went to the tienda and Jorge bought me a $10 phone card to call Mexico on Saturday.
After that he came with me to Sprint to add on international messaging onto my line of the family phone plan.
We then came back to the house to spend the afternoon together. We layed in bed, after a while of listening to his even breathing I finally fell asleep. We napped, we got up and I showered, and dropped him back home so he could finish getting ready, cut his hair, check his luggage for everything, and get my pillow and blankets in order to return to me.
I picked him up at eight, he came out looking so sharp, and every article of his clothing besides his boots were purchased by me; dark wash Levi's, a crisp, clean, white t-shirt, his black long sleeve thermal shirt, with his nice jacket on top. Oh and cleanly shaven. Mmmm....I just smiled. I love when he dresses up. Some kind of carnal instinct makes me want to rip those clothes off that he wears so well.
He came carrying my favorite pillow and my Columbia, fleece jacket Mom and Kim got me for Christmas last year. I love this fleece and he kind of confiscated it this past fall. It was ok with me, but he wasn't going to need it, so he returned it. When he turned and went back for his luggage, I just held it up to my face and smelled it. His earthy, sweet, man scent. Is it sad that I am wearing it right now and I wore it to bed last night? It just feels right, almost like he is holding me right now.
Got into the truck and pulled out. Got out to the highway, he made a phone call and it broke my heart. I knew it was to Nico telling him he left Manhattan. I almost cried then but held it in. Sensing his need for me to be strong just then. I kept my eyes on the road and handed him a Kleenex.
We neared Topeka and the GPS took us to 6th Ave. We went up and down it looking for the place this bus stopped but ended up stopping at a couple of food trucks to ask for directions.
Side note, before I met Jorge, I might call this area of Topeka the shady part of town; however, since being with Jorge I have learned to take a second look. This maybe an older part of Topeka, past downtown, but not necessarily the shady part. The whole street is Mexican, that's all. Not once was I worried. It is only thought shady because it is unknown and people make assumptions, me being one of them until now. Life lesson I guess.
So it was where Scottee told me we might find it. I parked right across the street from Deportes y Mas, not an IMAX like the guy who gave Jorge directions...
We were an hour early. He unbuckled my seat belt and pulled me towards him. We just held each other for awhile. It is amazing how hot tears can get, like they just want to burn a hole right through you to your soul because that is how these felt. I am glad I stopped and grabbed some Kleenex.
When I finally composed myself I pulled away and asked Jorge if I could give him a gift. He just smiled at me and shook his head yes. I grabbed my purse and pulled out a rosary. It is one my grandmother gave me, I have many she gave me but this one never felt like mine. It was red and more masculine than the other ones I own. As soon as I saw it on my shelf, I knew it was his. I asked him if he remembered the first time I drove him home and how he grabbed my chin and told me to, "Vaya con Dios." He shook his head and I placed the rosary around his neck and he squeezed his eyes shut and fat, silent tears rolled down his already damp cheeks. I just tucked it in his shirt and said, "Vaya con Dios, mi amor." I told him to be strong, go with God, and come back to me. He just looked at me and said, "thank you."
Again we held each other. Drinking each other in. I lost it when he grabbed my forehead and pulled me in close to his chest and buried his face in my hair, smelling my hair. He loves my hair. Oh man. it was like a movie, one of those super cheesy, sweet ones like the Notebook.
The bus was actually a mini van and it was 36 minutes late. I helped him with his luggage, the driver got in and Jorge and I just stood and looked at each other, I grabbed his collar and pulled him close and kissed him, when we parted I asked for 'un mas,' meaning, 'one more.' A little something I always say, because I just never want one kiss, I always want one more. He told me not good bye, it was see you later. I said "Yes honey, see you in Mexico."
He got into the van and I into my truck. I pulled away first and made it home. He texted me right as I was pulling into my drive if I made it there. I love that man.
Laying in this bed, the bed we have shared for almost nine months and knowing he is on some bus south of the border is so, not heartbreaking but I don't know, it's sad. I have this helpless feeling right now. His phone stopped working at the border. I sent him a text and he hasn't responded. I don't know if he made it past or where he is. Its killing me...this not knowing.
Our plan we kept repeating to keep us sane, is he is going to text me his new phone number on Friday and I will call him on Saturday to make sure he has made it....what if I never get that text? What if his facebook stays static and he never logs on? what if he is in a ditch somewhere?
These thoughts are the ones I have to fight off. I have to stay positive and hopeful.
Not going to lie, prayer has helped. every time a negative thought pops up, it;s a Hail Mary to keep me calm.
so this is our story.
Our sweet sadness,
-b
P.S. I went and applied to get my passport this morning. Four to six weeks before the world lay at my fingertips.
P.S.S. He replied back to my text with, "Ok mi amor, see you then."
I am feeling a little needy tonight I suppose. I want him to want me as bad as I want him right now. I am over thinking things and worrying as usual. I just need a little positive reinforcement right now after this week and the roller coaster we have both been on. I need my man to call me up and say, "Hey Honey, I need you."
I guess you could say, I am feeling delicate.
I have all these negative thoughts rolling around in my head. Maybe if I voice my concerns, they will seem silly and more easily dismissed.
I miss my Scottee more then ever. She always knows exactly what to say.
I am feeling a bit neglected. I am trying to make sure you are ok, always ok. It seems stupid the hoops I have and will jump through to make sure you are comfortable and happy, or anyone for that matter. But I have caught myself putting the things I have loved on the back burner for you and you can't seem to bother answering one simple text. No I am sure you have some great excuse, oh uh huh...reason, my bad, for not getting back to me in a timely fashion.
I know you want to go home. YOU SAID SO A MONTH AGO! You told me 2-10 months and you would be gone. Well sorry honey, I started making plans. Plans I want and will follow through with. Making calls tomorrow. I can't stay in Manhattan forever. It is not a healthy place for me. I need wide open spaces. I need room to paint, to grow as a person and artist. My time here is over.
With this said, I was sad when I thought you were leaving me right away. I will be sad. I LOVE YOU. the end. Hard concept to grasp because it seems like you find a good girl and they leave you. I would not have made this decision if I didn't think you were leaving me too. I have abandonment issues as well. I LOATHE the thought of being forgotten or left behind. It is one of my BIGGEST fears. Why, I still don't know to this day? I just hate it. It scares me.
Back to my plans. I wouldn't have made plans if you wouldn't have made plans...11:11 make a wish...I would have resigned and stayed here with you; if you were staying. But you were leaving me first, so I then decided to take care of myself. Now you are hurt I am leaving in 3 months. Not fair. I am so confused about where we are in this relationship I feel like the song above:
We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
Why do you sing with me at all? I have had this on my mind all day. Am I the one that makes you happy? I know you make me happy, but if I don't do the same for you as you do for me then there is a problem....
All of these thoughts are scary. But that is the scariest of them all. I can't help it letting run through my mind when you don't respond to me or seek me out after a few days of not seeing each other...when you stopped sending me little romantic Te amo mucho mucho mucho texts.
I get it but I don't all at them same time and the signs kind of look like they are pointing in a direction I choose not to dwell on most of the time; however, the wee hours of the night seem like a perfect time to lay awake and roll them around.
Anyway, Debbie downer. You are welcome.
Alright, enough is enough and more is just a little too much. Going to wish my lovelies and my honey a good night
Love you all, B
P.S. Painted with Acrylics today. So frustrated. Need some gouche, which I thought I had from a grad gift but come to find out they are water colors....le sigh. So need to order some gouche. Not going to give up even though they do not have a glow or are as rich as oils are. Getting more frustrated just thinking about it.
P.S.S. Spent some good days with Kimmi the last couple of days. Good memories and food.
Thursday night was the night Jorge found out if he got to keep his job here...
He doesn't.
When moment I read his text the tears started. And kept going throughout the night. I was sad for him and for us. I guess I thought this meant he was immediately going home to his family in Mexico. It made me super sad.
I got up the next day and had to pull a double. I had to go into work knowing that he would not be by my side, telling me how to cut my veggies or clean a pot or how I should be careful carrying hot pans. I guess I was having my own, selfish little pity party. I was walking around as though the man had died.
NEWS FLASH: He is NOT dead.
However, I just insisted on being a sad, mopey, person all day. I was up cooking mushrooms off and Little Jared came over and asked me what was wrong. He was like, "are you tired?"
"No."
"Are you sick?"
"No."
Finally, Nico interrupted him and said, "she is sad." He then turned to me and said, "I am sad too. I miss my friend." For those of you who do not know, which is everyone, Nico is Jorge's bestie. Tighter then a fat kid in spandex. Anyway, that set me off. I started tearing up over the grill and had to go pull myself together.
It was just a rough day all around, on line, prep, just everything, so when I got outside on break I had to put in a very wet phone call to my kindred spirit. It helped and I finally pulled myself together.
That night when I got back to work it got better, working with good people makes all the difference in the world. I finally finished around 11 pm, put a text into Jorge, picked him up and braced myself. He got into the truck and told me Nico and the little guy told him I was crying at work. He said, "Honey, why are you sad? you didn't lose your job and you have friends and family, and I am not dead. STOP, crying. You are moving in three months anyway."
He is right. This is not the end of the world and I never stopped to think how all this would make him feel. He not only has lost his job but he has me telling him how sad I am, but also has Nico and Little guy telling him how sad they are. It is not good for him. I should be supporting him and not throwing the world's biggest pity party.
So done thinking about myself...for now.
Feeling inspired and most likely will do a little painting for my honey.
Also getting my paperwork in order for my passport. Long time coming.
Alright off to bed, 5 am comes pretty early for truck.
The first email I received this morning was my Word of the Day from Spanishdict.com. The word was: secar seh-kahr' (verb)
to dry
The funny thing is there is nothing dry about today.
I got up, took Jorge home, and decided to get dressed and take a run. I ran in the rain and this song came on my Pandora.
Ray LaMontagne - Empty
Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kind of bore me"
This all started back last April. Ashley, an old KM at Longhorn hired a new dishwasher to replace Jose. His name was Armando. I really didn't get to work with the new dishwasher, I heard rumors of him being outspoken, being efficient and getting dishes really clean.
It was early last May, I was working a Friday night and had to go back in the walk in for some salad mix and tomatoes. I came out of the walk in, saw him putting on his apron, and he looked like a proud sort of man. It was in those few short seconds I made my decision. I am usually pretty shy around new people, I am still unsure why I stopped, un-gloved my hand, stuck it out and said, "Hola!"
I remember his face distinctly, I am not sure I will ever forget it. It was a face filled with wonder and surprise. "What is this gringa doing saying Hola to me..." kind of face. It was priceless. He then took my hand and I asked, ""Como te llamas?" "Armando, y tu?" "Bridget." And that is how it all started. Every time I worked with him, I would find him watching me. Then one night I was restocking salad side before I left and Armando stopped Alex and told him something in Spanish. Alex then turned to me and said, "Hey B-to-the-ridget, Armando says you work hard and work good and one of these days he will make you his girlfriend." This is when the "Hey Sweetie," "Hola Mi Amor," and little air smooches started. This continued through the summer and we became good work friends. I started trading Austin shifts, giving him my shifts on Monday and Tuesday nights, so I could work doubles, open to close, on Friday, Saturdays just so I could work with Armando. Every night I would offer to be security and close with him, and every night I would offer him a ride home. He would always politely decline and tell me to go with God. It was late July we had a particularly busy Friday night, again I did security with Armando, and again offered him a ride home. This time he accepted and got in. it was a hot night so I put the windows down and asked him directions. It wasn't far to his house and I pulled in the drive way and turned to tell him to have a good night. He surprised me by grabbing my chin and told me, "vaya con Dios." He then let me go and got out of the car. I was disappointed he didn't pull me closer and give me a little kiss. So I took myself home, showered and slept getting ready for the double I was going to be working the next day. It came soon enough, open to close, busy, busy, busy. I did security, but this time I didn't offer to take him home I told him I was taking him home. Told him to get in the car. He got in and I took off. We pulled up to his house and we both just kind of sat for a second. He turned to me and grabbed my chin, telling me to, "vaya con Dios." But this time he did not relinquish his hold, instead he pulled me closer and we kissed. Story for the grandchildren right. I hope so. I love this man. I never thought it would lead to this but it has. In a few short weeks it seems as if everything has fallen apart at the seams. Not between him and I, our relationship is stronger then ever. He makes me want to be a better, happier, stronger person. He makes me laugh and smile. I have never felt so comfortable or at ease with another person in my life. This all sounds so cheesy but it is true. However this may all change, he might have to leave me to go home to his family. I understand what family means and I would never try to keep anyone from their family but being without him makes my heart ache. Like there is this very large, gaping, empty hole sitting in my chest cavity. He finds out tonight when he is going back. I have been trying not to cry, he hates to see me sad but every night my pillow has welcomed my silent tears. I think Jorge can sense it cause he always turns and pulls me close and just holds me. It is sad for us both. I am trying to not think of myself and how much I hurt I try to envision his face and the faces of his family as they see each other for the first time in two years. I am trying to channel all the happiness that those hearts will have and hold during that time. Right now that is what is keeping me going. -b
