I guess you could say, I am feeling delicate.
I have all these negative thoughts rolling around in my head. Maybe if I voice my concerns, they will seem silly and more easily dismissed.
I miss my Scottee more then ever. She always knows exactly what to say.
I am feeling a bit neglected. I am trying to make sure you are ok, always ok. It seems stupid the hoops I have and will jump through to make sure you are comfortable and happy, or anyone for that matter. But I have caught myself putting the things I have loved on the back burner for you and you can't seem to bother answering one simple text. No I am sure you have some great excuse, oh uh huh...reason, my bad, for not getting back to me in a timely fashion.
I know you want to go home. YOU SAID SO A MONTH AGO! You told me 2-10 months and you would be gone. Well sorry honey, I started making plans. Plans I want and will follow through with. Making calls tomorrow. I can't stay in Manhattan forever. It is not a healthy place for me. I need wide open spaces. I need room to paint, to grow as a person and artist. My time here is over.
With this said, I was sad when I thought you were leaving me right away. I will be sad. I LOVE YOU. the end. Hard concept to grasp because it seems like you find a good girl and they leave you. I would not have made this decision if I didn't think you were leaving me too. I have abandonment issues as well. I LOATHE the thought of being forgotten or left behind. It is one of my BIGGEST fears. Why, I still don't know to this day? I just hate it. It scares me.
Back to my plans. I wouldn't have made plans if you wouldn't have made plans...11:11 make a wish...I would have resigned and stayed here with you; if you were staying. But you were leaving me first, so I then decided to take care of myself. Now you are hurt I am leaving in 3 months. Not fair. I am so confused about where we are in this relationship I feel like the song above:
We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate
So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?
Why do you sing with me at all? I have had this on my mind all day. Am I the one that makes you happy? I know you make me happy, but if I don't do the same for you as you do for me then there is a problem....
All of these thoughts are scary. But that is the scariest of them all. I can't help it letting run through my mind when you don't respond to me or seek me out after a few days of not seeing each other...when you stopped sending me little romantic Te amo mucho mucho mucho texts.
I get it but I don't all at them same time and the signs kind of look like they are pointing in a direction I choose not to dwell on most of the time; however, the wee hours of the night seem like a perfect time to lay awake and roll them around.
Anyway, Debbie downer. You are welcome.
Alright, enough is enough and more is just a little too much. Going to wish my lovelies and my honey a good night
Love you all, B
P.S. Painted with Acrylics today. So frustrated. Need some gouche, which I thought I had from a grad gift but come to find out they are water colors....le sigh. So need to order some gouche. Not going to give up even though they do not have a glow or are as rich as oils are. Getting more frustrated just thinking about it.
P.S.S. Spent some good days with Kimmi the last couple of days. Good memories and food.
Love you, B
No comments:
Post a Comment