Ghost Cat

This past week has been bit of a downer.

Why do I let how others feel and what they think get under my skin and just sit and simmer. Just when I think about being happy about my decisions, someone just has to go and say something that just brings me right back down. So many people do not think I am happy and some people think I am too happy.

(throwing my hands up in surrender)

Shit was going so right, then it went wrong, then it went right, then it went wrong, and then VERY wrong, then sort of right, then a hiccup then wrong, and just when I started to get back on the right track it took a turn for the worst.

Bleh.

Have you ever wanted to start again? I mean really get the fuck out of where ever you are and just live a new life. Not necessarily running away from your old one, you just NEED a real sudden change to jerk you out of the funk.

I am happy at my job for the most part, I mean EVERYONE has to do shit at their job they hate. I would actually like to get a second one, keep me busy. I know I am good at art but right now I just don't want to do it. ...Wow, I have thought it for awhile but have never actually said it outloud, huh?

I just don't want to do art right now.

Do you guys ever do something you are good at for so long that you just get a tiny bit burnt out?
I have been doing art almost non stop for 6 years...I am tired. I just want to work, go out, have a drink, bullshit, READ!, sew, cook, swim, run, frolick, vacay someplace amazing, live, love, lose, and love again...oh and laugh, laugh so fucking hard I cry.

I think I am letting other peoples expectations for me get in the way of what I want and when people see or don't see what they think I should be doing, then obviously I am:
A)Either really, Really, REALLY unhappy
B)In a shitty relationship, with an undeserving male, who is a minority
C) Super happy and cannot possibly have time for anything else
D) Just a SELFISH BITCH!
E)All of the above.

Who wouldn't want to escape all these super high expectations? I mean, my dad is a self made man, he farms, works with his hands everyday of his life. My mom is super good with people and numbers/budgets and bullshit. Idk, what is wrong with wanting to work in a kitchen and just hangout for a bit?

Arizona keeps creeping up in my mind though. I might call my aunty and see how long her guest is staying...I would love to take some time off and go see her.

I want to use my passport.

I might have a slight crush on someone... I love that school girl feeling, butterflies and all that lovey dovey bullshit <3 p="">
Ghost Cat was epic. It had Ellen Page in it. You should def watch it....only with a BIG bottle of wine :)

Love, B

Dreamcatcher.

The good will pass on through, while the evil is captured in the web, where it will perish in the light of the morning sun.

I think I want to make a dreamcatcher. I have been having some not so nice dreams lately. Not that everyone has to believe in them, I like the idea that the evil will perish in the light of the morning sun, sort of romantic, huh?

So much has happened:

Cano invited me out to dinner as "just friends," HA! It went from fun and light conversation --> I want to marry you, meet your parents, move to Chicago, have children in two years. Ha, it makes me laugh how I get myself into situations, sometimes.

I switched my birth control and I am a much happier person, less moody and angry about life. Who knew.

Grad School is not in my stars at RIT, New York. oh well. I would like more time to research and find a perfect fit before I go 40,000+ in debt...I need to send the advisor an email. Along with Dan and Nancy, telling them to save those recommendations. I just, it was just too soon.

I don't think I am moving out of Manhattan at least for another year....that is if I can find a place. I am looking hardcore but it is proving a bit difficult...

A am going through some friend breakups I guess (shoulder shrug) I never knew they had a problem with me until I got messages in the form of texts and in my BFA book of all places.
...LE SIGH....
I just wish people's mom and dad were more like mine. I mean, Dad would say, ""you'll never know it in thirty years," and mom would say, "get a life, it takes two to tango."

I have always said communication is a two way street. I understand life gets crazy hectic and busy for everyone, but if you don't seek me out when you need me, I will most likely stay aloof until I need you. So when you don't call me up and say you need me I assume you are fine and living your life day to day, just like me because when I need you I seek you out. Apparently that is wrong...again (shoulder shrug) my bad.

I know who my real friends are. They don't keep tabs and understand shit happens and when we need each other we just need to call. The End.

I have another apartment showing at 2:15. I need to write emails. Start going through stuff. Take some stuff to the Goodwill.

I want a maxi dress and a new swim suit.

Jorge and I are talking again. NO, not back together, I just think he needs a friend. Megan has already informed me that this is unhealthy, but I think I have known for awhile we would never work out. I have been through my angry/ grieving process and have moved on. He apologized and I  forgave him. We both needed those things. Now the road is clear to just be friends. In the end we both want each other to be happy.

So last week, Ben made this joke that kind of rubbed me the wrong way.
Jeff and I were prepping in the back and Ben walks up to me and asks me if I am a good sport about jokes. I told him depends, but usually yes. He then proceeds to ask Jeff why Mexico doesn't have a male Olympic team? Jeff just shrugs his shoulders and asks idk why? Ben then goes, because all of the Mexican men are in Bridget's bed.

Yep, funny, huh?

I just don't understand, he is into blonds with big boobs and that is acceptable, but I cannot be attracted to hard working, dark haired men? huh, ok...cool.

So that is where we stand.

I miss my Scote-dawg. Made fruit pizza and ate it like we both were here :)

Love, B

Such a sweet, gentle rain.

I haven't heard from Jorge since the last time I blogged except to say, "Ok Bridget, lo siento mucho." 

I am too Jorge. I am too. 

So needless to say, we are no longer together. We just happened to want two very different things....

just breath, let it be, and move on one foot in front of the other I suppose. 

There is now more room and time to go back to the things I enjoyed in life before he came along. 

No regrets, just life lessons...and a new passport.

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My sculpture professor, Dan, messaged me yesterday with an opportunity I am now looking into. I would be stupid not to at least try for it. We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

Don't count your chicks before the eggs are hatched. 

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Oh work, is work. Nothin new. Allison got an interview. It helps when I recommend people to my managers because they know I only would give them quality. Kim is being a debbie downer about it all but Allison would liven that place up. 

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Got to hang out with Kim, Allison and my Aunt Rosie in Lawrence at the Bee Keepers Meeting last Saturday. It was an excellent time and learned some cool things and got to have free honey ice cream....SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!

I like honey bees. I hope they do not die off so I can rise a few hives when I am an old retired lady. I am oddly calm around them. They just want to eat, work, have sex, lay some eggs, eat, work, more sex, buzz around and die a happy little bee. 

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Cano and Ben both know I am now single, Ben wants to kick Jorge's butt and Cano is starting to try his smooth moves on me; however, not my cup of Horchata.

Alex and I plan on running away to AZ together to live next to his ex gf. Great plan right? 

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Life is funny. Just when you got it figured out...oh well, as dad always says, "you'll never know it in thirty years." "Never let anyone get in the way of your work." "Work hard and stay humble." 

Great advice. 

I also having to keep reminding myself everytime I see, smell, or taste something that reminds me of him...I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worth it...and if he is not willing to fight right along with me, then he is not worth it. the end. 

I am not mad, I am no longer sad, I just am. and that is enough for right now. 

And you should know, You are strong, You are beautiful, and you are worth it...and if he is not willing to fight right along with you, then he is not worth it. The End. 

love you,

-B