That's a long square

So many thoughts running around my head.

Nico signed a lease on Monday. Now his roommate is backing out on him. I think that is the best thing to happen. That place was a dump and they want $795 for a two bedroom.

Ridiculous.

You know, I think if he asked me to stay and live with him, I would. Or at least move back after spending some much needed time at home. I really do want to go home but I think I know I need to go back to school and get my masters or go back for secondary ed, one of the two.

This past week felt like it would never end. I had some very good days or parts of days and then some very dark parts. Jackass got a new chef coat, with their name on it. It made me feel shitty. After all this time and I even offered to pay for my own coat with my name and was told I couldn't and here they just strut in and after 4-5 months he is slowly taking my place and getting a new coat.

I cried to Nico. He just held me and then said some very nice things about how hard I work and what a good person I am and how I don't need a jacket to know who I was. He is right, I do not need a stinking jacket to know who I am.

I was getting so frustrated last night. Bridget get me this, go get me that, do you have this up? Jeez man, can you do nothing for yourself? grrrr... >:(

I feel like going for a run but it is raining. I need to finish posters I promised Michele I would paint. I just want to sleep. My meds for my Mango allergy just makes me want to lay down.

Well done picking out for now.
Love, B

Summer's Waiting

My heart is heavy tonight.

It has been a year since everything went down between R and V and I still think of it often. Somedays  I don't give it a thought at all but today was not one of those days.  I read on my FB wall someone asking about V's mom. I like her mother, I hope she is ok and it is nothing to serious. I will send up a little prayer tonight.

I did some more packing. I told Megan not to look. She did anyway. She said she is trying to not think about it. It does make me sad to be leaving a town I have called home for almost eight years in August. Oy vey, I have had some pretty good times here, most of them happened at 517 Vattier.

It's silly but I was packing up kitchen stuff, deciding what goes and what stays. I tried to put my old mixer in the donation box...
Do you know how many fruit pizza that little beast has made? Quite a few, it stays and my old round backing sheet, the only thing fruit pizza gets made on! I hope to find that fun again. I love hosting people in my house, I love baking and cooking and hanging out, laughing and crying and everything in between.

Being with Nico and cooking on Monday's with his friends has helped me find that girl again. I am ashamed to say she has been lost for quite some time. It makes me want to cry at how I let a few words and feelings of other people, two in particular, make me doubt myself and who I was so much. Too much, to the point I stopped being who I was, stopped liking and doing the things I used too, and most of all stop creating. The biggest sin of all I think.

I cannot wait to get home and have a fire and send all these disgusting thoughts and feelings up and away. I need to be released from their hold. I need to forgive myself. I need to write it down and light the bitch up. It needs to go into God's hand where it should be.

I do truck in the morning. I need to remember to change my alarm.

I had fun prepping to day with my manager, John. He is such a genuinely nice guy and it would be fun to grab a beer with him sometime.

Last night was good, wink wink.

I feel like I need a good cry but I kind of want arms to hold me when I do it. Allison is back next Thursday. I am trying to wait, not that she wants me to cry on her but I think we will both need it. Especially if she sees my living room in boxes.

Megs wants to do Art opening and swimming Friday night. I just want to have food and drinks but if I have to swim to get that I am game.

Alrighty, Sending up a little Our Father and a Hail Mary.
Love, B

Two ceiling fans and some Coco Dyno Bites.

Work definitely felt like a Monday today.

I had someone say the Longhorn Prep team was taking advantage of one of my managers.

I call B.S. She does what she does because she has to do it to make it work for our store.

I am still fuming about it.

My right arm hurts quite a bit tonight.

I hope once I quit LH I will start not stressing so much and all my achey appendages will go back to normal.

My cousin Rod was buried yesterday. It just makes my heart sad.

Live your life for the moment for sure.

It's been so hot and humid. Terribly humid.

My hairs are frizzy.

I want to get them cut, maybe next week.

Nico is talking to his friend in Mexico on the phone. I love to listen to him to that, maybe someday my spanish will be good enough we can carry on in spanish together.

I got a bit of a tan yesterday and some nice start to tan lines.

Oy vey.

love, B

Meat, Men, Beers, Beards, Bras and Bows

If I was a man I would have a hell of a good beard!

I made this card for April for her belated birthday. $50 to Victoria Secret to buy non-mom things! Things that make her feel AMAZING! I would and am like a kid in a candy store when I go in. Sending this off tomorrow. Hope she likes it.

Oh my goodness, I had so much fun on Monday. I was supposed to be packing up my apartment but instead I found Nico sleeping after 1. He asked if I was hungry and wanted to go to the store. Got food and headed back to the house. I left to go run some errands. I came back and there was a porch party! All of Nico's friends were there and the grill was going and the beer was cold. It was pouring down rain and we were just all there on that porch just having ourselves a good ole time. 

I met one of Nico's good friends, I would insert his name here but it is hard enough for me to say let alone try to spell without butchering it, from El Salvador. Well, this is actually the second time I have encountered him but he is a beautiful person, I can tell. He has this BIG smile on his face, seriously from ear to ear. I notice he is more fair skinned then the other boys then he let me know he was not Mexican, he was from El Salvador. He wore gold jewelry. Kindred Spirit, I can tell. He is a fellow Scorpion and told me how much he respected Nico and about the birthday party Nico threw for him. Good times. 

Megs almost started crying tonight, she says she is going to lock me in her basement. Ok, enough on this subject. I don't want to start crying. This is a good decision and no regrets. 

I need some water in my life. 

or some cold milk...or both. 

alrighty enough for now, 

love, B

Loving the Bad Man

I intended to get up by seven, slept in until 9. When I did finally manage to roll out of bed, I made a BIG bowl of blueberry, flaxseed oatmeal and coffee and have spent the last hour catching up on Scottee's blogs. Also while half watching, half listening to this really crappy movie on Netflix. Sometimes, I like to find crappy lovey dovey, religious, unrealistic movies about women and relationships and I like to pretend it is like Lifetime.

Back to the blogs, I have missed not reading them. I dog sat all last week, before that I went home for a few days and the last several I have been working doubles. Blah.

Kim is in Washington with April, Dustin and the babies. Kim says Quinten has turned into quite the little milk spitting up fountain. Gross.

I need to go do laundry and get boxes to start packing this place up.  Definitely making a donation box and a trash box. I want to grab meat out for Nico tonight. I hope we have time to cook. I am in the mood for that mans cooking.

Juan Bell and Carlos were having a man-to-man, heart-to-heart talk the other morning about Carlos's GF and her lack of wanting to combine households. She has a little girl and went through a bad divorce a little while ago. Carlos said it would never get to the point where he would kick her out. However, that is what she is concerned with, if something happens, she doesn't want to be out on the street with a little girl.

He was talking about how she should take a risk. Juan Bell said hey there is your problem you are calling it a risk to be with you. The definition of risk, a situation involving exposure to danger.
Juan said she needs to take a chance. Chance, the possibility that something will happen, often personified or treated as a positive agency. Juan says risk involves danger where as chance involves an adventure. She has already been in a situation that was risky, she won't want  that again. Juan said maybe Carlos should give her a little more time.

Love Juan, he is around 50 years old and a good guy. He is such a positive person. I loved hearing this talk, made me miss dad and my uncles, how they used to man talk for hours, laugh, raise their voices, talk over one another, give advice, get really serious and silent, then go back to more laughing.

This made me think quite a bit about my own future with a certain someone. I am unsure what it will bring, but I think I would be ok with chancing it.

Going to end this with some tunes.

No Rain, by Blind Melon