Summer's Waiting

My heart is heavy tonight.

It has been a year since everything went down between R and V and I still think of it often. Somedays  I don't give it a thought at all but today was not one of those days.  I read on my FB wall someone asking about V's mom. I like her mother, I hope she is ok and it is nothing to serious. I will send up a little prayer tonight.

I did some more packing. I told Megan not to look. She did anyway. She said she is trying to not think about it. It does make me sad to be leaving a town I have called home for almost eight years in August. Oy vey, I have had some pretty good times here, most of them happened at 517 Vattier.

It's silly but I was packing up kitchen stuff, deciding what goes and what stays. I tried to put my old mixer in the donation box...
Do you know how many fruit pizza that little beast has made? Quite a few, it stays and my old round backing sheet, the only thing fruit pizza gets made on! I hope to find that fun again. I love hosting people in my house, I love baking and cooking and hanging out, laughing and crying and everything in between.

Being with Nico and cooking on Monday's with his friends has helped me find that girl again. I am ashamed to say she has been lost for quite some time. It makes me want to cry at how I let a few words and feelings of other people, two in particular, make me doubt myself and who I was so much. Too much, to the point I stopped being who I was, stopped liking and doing the things I used too, and most of all stop creating. The biggest sin of all I think.

I cannot wait to get home and have a fire and send all these disgusting thoughts and feelings up and away. I need to be released from their hold. I need to forgive myself. I need to write it down and light the bitch up. It needs to go into God's hand where it should be.

I do truck in the morning. I need to remember to change my alarm.

I had fun prepping to day with my manager, John. He is such a genuinely nice guy and it would be fun to grab a beer with him sometime.

Last night was good, wink wink.

I feel like I need a good cry but I kind of want arms to hold me when I do it. Allison is back next Thursday. I am trying to wait, not that she wants me to cry on her but I think we will both need it. Especially if she sees my living room in boxes.

Megs wants to do Art opening and swimming Friday night. I just want to have food and drinks but if I have to swim to get that I am game.

Alrighty, Sending up a little Our Father and a Hail Mary.
Love, B