Today was the day my brother helped me move home.
I go back Sunday to finish out the week then it is official.
I am laying on my parents couch and it all finally sinks in. I am leaving the town I called home for the last eight years. I am full of second guesses and 'oh shits'
I messaged Nico tonight and this is our conversation. Feel free to translate:
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Knock Them Mothers Down.
New Favorite Musical song:
"Knock them MotherFuckers Down," from the movie, Leave it on the Floor
New Specs:
<3 b="" p="">
Saturday, June 28, 2014
That's a long square
So many thoughts running around my head.
Nico signed a lease on Monday. Now his roommate is backing out on him. I think that is the best thing to happen. That place was a dump and they want $795 for a two bedroom.
Ridiculous.
You know, I think if he asked me to stay and live with him, I would. Or at least move back after spending some much needed time at home. I really do want to go home but I think I know I need to go back to school and get my masters or go back for secondary ed, one of the two.
This past week felt like it would never end. I had some very good days or parts of days and then some very dark parts. Jackass got a new chef coat, with their name on it. It made me feel shitty. After all this time and I even offered to pay for my own coat with my name and was told I couldn't and here they just strut in and after 4-5 months he is slowly taking my place and getting a new coat.
I cried to Nico. He just held me and then said some very nice things about how hard I work and what a good person I am and how I don't need a jacket to know who I was. He is right, I do not need a stinking jacket to know who I am.
I was getting so frustrated last night. Bridget get me this, go get me that, do you have this up? Jeez man, can you do nothing for yourself? grrrr... >:(
I feel like going for a run but it is raining. I need to finish posters I promised Michele I would paint. I just want to sleep. My meds for my Mango allergy just makes me want to lay down.
Well done picking out for now.
Love, B
Nico signed a lease on Monday. Now his roommate is backing out on him. I think that is the best thing to happen. That place was a dump and they want $795 for a two bedroom.
Ridiculous.
You know, I think if he asked me to stay and live with him, I would. Or at least move back after spending some much needed time at home. I really do want to go home but I think I know I need to go back to school and get my masters or go back for secondary ed, one of the two.
This past week felt like it would never end. I had some very good days or parts of days and then some very dark parts. Jackass got a new chef coat, with their name on it. It made me feel shitty. After all this time and I even offered to pay for my own coat with my name and was told I couldn't and here they just strut in and after 4-5 months he is slowly taking my place and getting a new coat.
I cried to Nico. He just held me and then said some very nice things about how hard I work and what a good person I am and how I don't need a jacket to know who I was. He is right, I do not need a stinking jacket to know who I am.
I was getting so frustrated last night. Bridget get me this, go get me that, do you have this up? Jeez man, can you do nothing for yourself? grrrr... >:(
I feel like going for a run but it is raining. I need to finish posters I promised Michele I would paint. I just want to sleep. My meds for my Mango allergy just makes me want to lay down.
Well done picking out for now.
Love, B
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Summer's Waiting
My heart is heavy tonight.
It has been a year since everything went down between R and V and I still think of it often. Somedays I don't give it a thought at all but today was not one of those days. I read on my FB wall someone asking about V's mom. I like her mother, I hope she is ok and it is nothing to serious. I will send up a little prayer tonight.
I did some more packing. I told Megan not to look. She did anyway. She said she is trying to not think about it. It does make me sad to be leaving a town I have called home for almost eight years in August. Oy vey, I have had some pretty good times here, most of them happened at 517 Vattier.
It's silly but I was packing up kitchen stuff, deciding what goes and what stays. I tried to put my old mixer in the donation box...
Do you know how many fruit pizza that little beast has made? Quite a few, it stays and my old round backing sheet, the only thing fruit pizza gets made on! I hope to find that fun again. I love hosting people in my house, I love baking and cooking and hanging out, laughing and crying and everything in between.
Being with Nico and cooking on Monday's with his friends has helped me find that girl again. I am ashamed to say she has been lost for quite some time. It makes me want to cry at how I let a few words and feelings of other people, two in particular, make me doubt myself and who I was so much. Too much, to the point I stopped being who I was, stopped liking and doing the things I used too, and most of all stop creating. The biggest sin of all I think.
I cannot wait to get home and have a fire and send all these disgusting thoughts and feelings up and away. I need to be released from their hold. I need to forgive myself. I need to write it down and light the bitch up. It needs to go into God's hand where it should be.
I do truck in the morning. I need to remember to change my alarm.
I had fun prepping to day with my manager, John. He is such a genuinely nice guy and it would be fun to grab a beer with him sometime.
Last night was good, wink wink.
I feel like I need a good cry but I kind of want arms to hold me when I do it. Allison is back next Thursday. I am trying to wait, not that she wants me to cry on her but I think we will both need it. Especially if she sees my living room in boxes.
Megs wants to do Art opening and swimming Friday night. I just want to have food and drinks but if I have to swim to get that I am game.
Alrighty, Sending up a little Our Father and a Hail Mary.
Love, B
It has been a year since everything went down between R and V and I still think of it often. Somedays I don't give it a thought at all but today was not one of those days. I read on my FB wall someone asking about V's mom. I like her mother, I hope she is ok and it is nothing to serious. I will send up a little prayer tonight.
I did some more packing. I told Megan not to look. She did anyway. She said she is trying to not think about it. It does make me sad to be leaving a town I have called home for almost eight years in August. Oy vey, I have had some pretty good times here, most of them happened at 517 Vattier.
It's silly but I was packing up kitchen stuff, deciding what goes and what stays. I tried to put my old mixer in the donation box...
Do you know how many fruit pizza that little beast has made? Quite a few, it stays and my old round backing sheet, the only thing fruit pizza gets made on! I hope to find that fun again. I love hosting people in my house, I love baking and cooking and hanging out, laughing and crying and everything in between.
Being with Nico and cooking on Monday's with his friends has helped me find that girl again. I am ashamed to say she has been lost for quite some time. It makes me want to cry at how I let a few words and feelings of other people, two in particular, make me doubt myself and who I was so much. Too much, to the point I stopped being who I was, stopped liking and doing the things I used too, and most of all stop creating. The biggest sin of all I think.
I cannot wait to get home and have a fire and send all these disgusting thoughts and feelings up and away. I need to be released from their hold. I need to forgive myself. I need to write it down and light the bitch up. It needs to go into God's hand where it should be.
I do truck in the morning. I need to remember to change my alarm.
I had fun prepping to day with my manager, John. He is such a genuinely nice guy and it would be fun to grab a beer with him sometime.
Last night was good, wink wink.
I feel like I need a good cry but I kind of want arms to hold me when I do it. Allison is back next Thursday. I am trying to wait, not that she wants me to cry on her but I think we will both need it. Especially if she sees my living room in boxes.
Megs wants to do Art opening and swimming Friday night. I just want to have food and drinks but if I have to swim to get that I am game.
Alrighty, Sending up a little Our Father and a Hail Mary.
Love, B
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Two ceiling fans and some Coco Dyno Bites.
Work definitely felt like a Monday today.
I had someone say the Longhorn Prep team was taking advantage of one of my managers.
I call B.S. She does what she does because she has to do it to make it work for our store.
I am still fuming about it.
My right arm hurts quite a bit tonight.
I hope once I quit LH I will start not stressing so much and all my achey appendages will go back to normal.
My cousin Rod was buried yesterday. It just makes my heart sad.
Live your life for the moment for sure.
It's been so hot and humid. Terribly humid.
My hairs are frizzy.
I want to get them cut, maybe next week.
Nico is talking to his friend in Mexico on the phone. I love to listen to him to that, maybe someday my spanish will be good enough we can carry on in spanish together.
I got a bit of a tan yesterday and some nice start to tan lines.
Oy vey.
love, B
I had someone say the Longhorn Prep team was taking advantage of one of my managers.
I call B.S. She does what she does because she has to do it to make it work for our store.
I am still fuming about it.
My right arm hurts quite a bit tonight.
I hope once I quit LH I will start not stressing so much and all my achey appendages will go back to normal.
My cousin Rod was buried yesterday. It just makes my heart sad.
Live your life for the moment for sure.
It's been so hot and humid. Terribly humid.
My hairs are frizzy.
I want to get them cut, maybe next week.
Nico is talking to his friend in Mexico on the phone. I love to listen to him to that, maybe someday my spanish will be good enough we can carry on in spanish together.
I got a bit of a tan yesterday and some nice start to tan lines.
Oy vey.
love, B
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Meat, Men, Beers, Beards, Bras and Bows
If I was a man I would have a hell of a good beard!
I made this card for April for her belated birthday. $50 to Victoria Secret to buy non-mom things! Things that make her feel AMAZING! I would and am like a kid in a candy store when I go in. Sending this off tomorrow. Hope she likes it.
Oh my goodness, I had so much fun on Monday. I was supposed to be packing up my apartment but instead I found Nico sleeping after 1. He asked if I was hungry and wanted to go to the store. Got food and headed back to the house. I left to go run some errands. I came back and there was a porch party! All of Nico's friends were there and the grill was going and the beer was cold. It was pouring down rain and we were just all there on that porch just having ourselves a good ole time.
I met one of Nico's good friends, I would insert his name here but it is hard enough for me to say let alone try to spell without butchering it, from El Salvador. Well, this is actually the second time I have encountered him but he is a beautiful person, I can tell. He has this BIG smile on his face, seriously from ear to ear. I notice he is more fair skinned then the other boys then he let me know he was not Mexican, he was from El Salvador. He wore gold jewelry. Kindred Spirit, I can tell. He is a fellow Scorpion and told me how much he respected Nico and about the birthday party Nico threw for him. Good times.
Megs almost started crying tonight, she says she is going to lock me in her basement. Ok, enough on this subject. I don't want to start crying. This is a good decision and no regrets.
I need some water in my life.
or some cold milk...or both.
alrighty enough for now,
love, B
Monday, June 9, 2014
Loving the Bad Man
I intended to get up by seven, slept in until 9. When I did finally manage to roll out of bed, I made a BIG bowl of blueberry, flaxseed oatmeal and coffee and have spent the last hour catching up on Scottee's blogs. Also while half watching, half listening to this really crappy movie on Netflix. Sometimes, I like to find crappy lovey dovey, religious, unrealistic movies about women and relationships and I like to pretend it is like Lifetime.
Back to the blogs, I have missed not reading them. I dog sat all last week, before that I went home for a few days and the last several I have been working doubles. Blah.
Kim is in Washington with April, Dustin and the babies. Kim says Quinten has turned into quite the little milk spitting up fountain. Gross.
I need to go do laundry and get boxes to start packing this place up. Definitely making a donation box and a trash box. I want to grab meat out for Nico tonight. I hope we have time to cook. I am in the mood for that mans cooking.
Juan Bell and Carlos were having a man-to-man, heart-to-heart talk the other morning about Carlos's GF and her lack of wanting to combine households. She has a little girl and went through a bad divorce a little while ago. Carlos said it would never get to the point where he would kick her out. However, that is what she is concerned with, if something happens, she doesn't want to be out on the street with a little girl.
He was talking about how she should take a risk. Juan Bell said hey there is your problem you are calling it a risk to be with you. The definition of risk, a situation involving exposure to danger.
Juan said she needs to take a chance. Chance, the possibility that something will happen, often personified or treated as a positive agency. Juan says risk involves danger where as chance involves an adventure. She has already been in a situation that was risky, she won't want that again. Juan said maybe Carlos should give her a little more time.
Love Juan, he is around 50 years old and a good guy. He is such a positive person. I loved hearing this talk, made me miss dad and my uncles, how they used to man talk for hours, laugh, raise their voices, talk over one another, give advice, get really serious and silent, then go back to more laughing.
This made me think quite a bit about my own future with a certain someone. I am unsure what it will bring, but I think I would be ok with chancing it.
Going to end this with some tunes.
Back to the blogs, I have missed not reading them. I dog sat all last week, before that I went home for a few days and the last several I have been working doubles. Blah.
Kim is in Washington with April, Dustin and the babies. Kim says Quinten has turned into quite the little milk spitting up fountain. Gross.
I need to go do laundry and get boxes to start packing this place up. Definitely making a donation box and a trash box. I want to grab meat out for Nico tonight. I hope we have time to cook. I am in the mood for that mans cooking.
Juan Bell and Carlos were having a man-to-man, heart-to-heart talk the other morning about Carlos's GF and her lack of wanting to combine households. She has a little girl and went through a bad divorce a little while ago. Carlos said it would never get to the point where he would kick her out. However, that is what she is concerned with, if something happens, she doesn't want to be out on the street with a little girl.
He was talking about how she should take a risk. Juan Bell said hey there is your problem you are calling it a risk to be with you. The definition of risk, a situation involving exposure to danger.
Juan said she needs to take a chance. Chance, the possibility that something will happen, often personified or treated as a positive agency. Juan says risk involves danger where as chance involves an adventure. She has already been in a situation that was risky, she won't want that again. Juan said maybe Carlos should give her a little more time.
Love Juan, he is around 50 years old and a good guy. He is such a positive person. I loved hearing this talk, made me miss dad and my uncles, how they used to man talk for hours, laugh, raise their voices, talk over one another, give advice, get really serious and silent, then go back to more laughing.
This made me think quite a bit about my own future with a certain someone. I am unsure what it will bring, but I think I would be ok with chancing it.
Going to end this with some tunes.
No Rain, by Blind Melon
Friday, May 23, 2014
Choo Choo!
Michael is officially 6! And Mr. Logan Brandt turns 2 tomorrow! I made his card. LOVE IT! I forgot how much fun this stuff is, crafting with paper!
Called my D.O. not yesterday but the day before, she responded by immediately calling my G.M. So Mary is aware I no longer want to do the management program and am going home. She said she respected my decision. Tiffany is saying I should really talk to her. I have tried her twice more, no return call. To hell with it, thought about just emailing her so the ball would be in her court.
Started telling they guys they are taking it pretty well. One even said he wanted to have drinks before I left. Ha!
Nico made me some tasty tacos last night. I wasn't really hungry but when a man makes you fresh carne you don't say no. I shared my last one with him though.
I was out last night, out like a light. Nico said I snored a little...and talked. Can't help it, he has a pillow top mattress and it is like sleeping on a little piece of heaven.
I really want to make cookies, big chocolate chip ones! Maybe with a few pecans...mmmm.
I have started watching this new series on Netflix, Bitten, only one episode in. Wish Kim was here to watch it with me. She probably already has.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Birthday Cards
"Are You That Somebody," by Aaliyah
I tried calling my D.O., Mary, this morning. I left a message on her voicemail. I hope she gives me a call back. I know she is stressed but I have need to know information. Like oh hey! Don't count on me I am tapping out end of July!
Had a good day at work yesterday. Alex was the CP, Nico was on line and I was prep. It was fun. I miss working with Alex. Afterwards he needed a lift to the liquor store and the bank, free lunch was a perk! Taco Lucha, peanut butter tacos, so good!
Went on a luggage hunt with Allison. She needed to find a BIG suitcase to pack for a month to go home. She found one, a purple Coleman.
Went home and made a birthday card for Michael Rose. She will be SIX tomorrow! I need to mail off her gift. It is interactive, Rapunzel swings by her hair! I still need to make a train Birthday card for Logan, his birthday is Saturday. Tonights project.
Well, that is about all I can fit in before work.
Later, B
Monday, May 19, 2014
"Quitter."
"Dreams," by The Cranberries
I had a fellow employee call me a 'quitter' tonight. I came in to see my favorite manager before she took a week off for her brother's wedding and we were just talking and were so rudely interrupted by Greg yelling that at me.
I asked, "Excuse me?"
He got all quiet and defensive and said, "I was just trying to get your attention." He just walked away.
This is my response to that,
"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong." -Elle Fitzgerald
"Of all the stratagems, to know when to quit is the best." -Chinese Proverb
"A damn fool is one who won't change his mind." -Tom Lee
I no longer want to be around people who don't support me 100%!
I have learned that the hard way over this past year. You are either with me or not. No half way bull shit. I support those who choose to stay, Hell, I did for three long years. It is not what I want for my life. I want to go home where my love and inspiration blossomed. I need to be around all of that unconditional love. I need to figure out what I really want and I cannot do that in a place that is so negative, it is dragging me down...not raising me up.
“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” ― Mary Manin Morrissey
I need to start packing certain stuff up and taking it to the good will. Sending studio stuff home.
I would love to live in my grandmothers house but I just remembered how the hot water heater leaks....hmmm :/
Megs was asking me about Nico and staying and being a substitute teacher. I know she doesn't want me to leave but I cannot do anything but ask the man I love to go with me. He wants to stay here for now. However, he fully supports me going home and helping and living for a while. I love him all the more for that. Things always have a way of working out.
June is rapidly approaching. It will officially be a year since I broke things off with Jorge. And in August it will officially be a year for Nico and I. That seems crazy. I feel like time has sort of stood still for Nico and I.
Enough mush.
I cannot wait to go home and have a bonfire with my girls. Sort of like a cleansing ritual. I won't let it go till it burns.
__________________________________
On a much happier note, Nico and I spent the whole day together. I drove us to KC MO to drop off his piano keyboards to his cousin to fix. We had lunch at this very authentic Mexican restaurant. Everyone started at us as we walked in. I am starting to get used to this. I almost didn't notice the 13 gapping mouths and the 26 bulging eyeballs on us. We drove back and I asked if I could stop off at the Topeka mall to find a dress for Kylee's Bachelorette party. We walked the whole mall, finally in Sears he found one and I tried it on. I purchased it. Loved it! A black lacy number. Not too revealing, or old lady, I will have fun dressing it up with gold! He found a really nice pair of Levi's. I love my man in Levi's, nothing sexier.
Just finished dessert with Michele and Allison at work. Love my ladies.
night, b
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Artist Statement, 2012
Artist Resume, 2012
