Ghost Cat

This past week has been bit of a downer.

Why do I let how others feel and what they think get under my skin and just sit and simmer. Just when I think about being happy about my decisions, someone just has to go and say something that just brings me right back down. So many people do not think I am happy and some people think I am too happy.

(throwing my hands up in surrender)

Shit was going so right, then it went wrong, then it went right, then it went wrong, and then VERY wrong, then sort of right, then a hiccup then wrong, and just when I started to get back on the right track it took a turn for the worst.

Bleh.

Have you ever wanted to start again? I mean really get the fuck out of where ever you are and just live a new life. Not necessarily running away from your old one, you just NEED a real sudden change to jerk you out of the funk.

I am happy at my job for the most part, I mean EVERYONE has to do shit at their job they hate. I would actually like to get a second one, keep me busy. I know I am good at art but right now I just don't want to do it. ...Wow, I have thought it for awhile but have never actually said it outloud, huh?

I just don't want to do art right now.

Do you guys ever do something you are good at for so long that you just get a tiny bit burnt out?
I have been doing art almost non stop for 6 years...I am tired. I just want to work, go out, have a drink, bullshit, READ!, sew, cook, swim, run, frolick, vacay someplace amazing, live, love, lose, and love again...oh and laugh, laugh so fucking hard I cry.

I think I am letting other peoples expectations for me get in the way of what I want and when people see or don't see what they think I should be doing, then obviously I am:
A)Either really, Really, REALLY unhappy
B)In a shitty relationship, with an undeserving male, who is a minority
C) Super happy and cannot possibly have time for anything else
D) Just a SELFISH BITCH!
E)All of the above.

Who wouldn't want to escape all these super high expectations? I mean, my dad is a self made man, he farms, works with his hands everyday of his life. My mom is super good with people and numbers/budgets and bullshit. Idk, what is wrong with wanting to work in a kitchen and just hangout for a bit?

Arizona keeps creeping up in my mind though. I might call my aunty and see how long her guest is staying...I would love to take some time off and go see her.

I want to use my passport.

I might have a slight crush on someone... I love that school girl feeling, butterflies and all that lovey dovey bullshit <3 p="">
Ghost Cat was epic. It had Ellen Page in it. You should def watch it....only with a BIG bottle of wine :)

Love, B

Dreamcatcher.

The good will pass on through, while the evil is captured in the web, where it will perish in the light of the morning sun.

I think I want to make a dreamcatcher. I have been having some not so nice dreams lately. Not that everyone has to believe in them, I like the idea that the evil will perish in the light of the morning sun, sort of romantic, huh?

So much has happened:

Cano invited me out to dinner as "just friends," HA! It went from fun and light conversation --> I want to marry you, meet your parents, move to Chicago, have children in two years. Ha, it makes me laugh how I get myself into situations, sometimes.

I switched my birth control and I am a much happier person, less moody and angry about life. Who knew.

Grad School is not in my stars at RIT, New York. oh well. I would like more time to research and find a perfect fit before I go 40,000+ in debt...I need to send the advisor an email. Along with Dan and Nancy, telling them to save those recommendations. I just, it was just too soon.

I don't think I am moving out of Manhattan at least for another year....that is if I can find a place. I am looking hardcore but it is proving a bit difficult...

A am going through some friend breakups I guess (shoulder shrug) I never knew they had a problem with me until I got messages in the form of texts and in my BFA book of all places.
...LE SIGH....
I just wish people's mom and dad were more like mine. I mean, Dad would say, ""you'll never know it in thirty years," and mom would say, "get a life, it takes two to tango."

I have always said communication is a two way street. I understand life gets crazy hectic and busy for everyone, but if you don't seek me out when you need me, I will most likely stay aloof until I need you. So when you don't call me up and say you need me I assume you are fine and living your life day to day, just like me because when I need you I seek you out. Apparently that is wrong...again (shoulder shrug) my bad.

I know who my real friends are. They don't keep tabs and understand shit happens and when we need each other we just need to call. The End.

I have another apartment showing at 2:15. I need to write emails. Start going through stuff. Take some stuff to the Goodwill.

I want a maxi dress and a new swim suit.

Jorge and I are talking again. NO, not back together, I just think he needs a friend. Megan has already informed me that this is unhealthy, but I think I have known for awhile we would never work out. I have been through my angry/ grieving process and have moved on. He apologized and I  forgave him. We both needed those things. Now the road is clear to just be friends. In the end we both want each other to be happy.

So last week, Ben made this joke that kind of rubbed me the wrong way.
Jeff and I were prepping in the back and Ben walks up to me and asks me if I am a good sport about jokes. I told him depends, but usually yes. He then proceeds to ask Jeff why Mexico doesn't have a male Olympic team? Jeff just shrugs his shoulders and asks idk why? Ben then goes, because all of the Mexican men are in Bridget's bed.

Yep, funny, huh?

I just don't understand, he is into blonds with big boobs and that is acceptable, but I cannot be attracted to hard working, dark haired men? huh, ok...cool.

So that is where we stand.

I miss my Scote-dawg. Made fruit pizza and ate it like we both were here :)

Love, B

Such a sweet, gentle rain.

I haven't heard from Jorge since the last time I blogged except to say, "Ok Bridget, lo siento mucho." 

I am too Jorge. I am too. 

So needless to say, we are no longer together. We just happened to want two very different things....

just breath, let it be, and move on one foot in front of the other I suppose. 

There is now more room and time to go back to the things I enjoyed in life before he came along. 

No regrets, just life lessons...and a new passport.

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My sculpture professor, Dan, messaged me yesterday with an opportunity I am now looking into. I would be stupid not to at least try for it. We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

Don't count your chicks before the eggs are hatched. 

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Oh work, is work. Nothin new. Allison got an interview. It helps when I recommend people to my managers because they know I only would give them quality. Kim is being a debbie downer about it all but Allison would liven that place up. 

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Got to hang out with Kim, Allison and my Aunt Rosie in Lawrence at the Bee Keepers Meeting last Saturday. It was an excellent time and learned some cool things and got to have free honey ice cream....SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!

I like honey bees. I hope they do not die off so I can rise a few hives when I am an old retired lady. I am oddly calm around them. They just want to eat, work, have sex, lay some eggs, eat, work, more sex, buzz around and die a happy little bee. 

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Cano and Ben both know I am now single, Ben wants to kick Jorge's butt and Cano is starting to try his smooth moves on me; however, not my cup of Horchata.

Alex and I plan on running away to AZ together to live next to his ex gf. Great plan right? 

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Life is funny. Just when you got it figured out...oh well, as dad always says, "you'll never know it in thirty years." "Never let anyone get in the way of your work." "Work hard and stay humble." 

Great advice. 

I also having to keep reminding myself everytime I see, smell, or taste something that reminds me of him...I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worth it...and if he is not willing to fight right along with me, then he is not worth it. the end. 

I am not mad, I am no longer sad, I just am. and that is enough for right now. 

And you should know, You are strong, You are beautiful, and you are worth it...and if he is not willing to fight right along with you, then he is not worth it. The End. 

love you,

-B

Laying under the stars...

is where I would rather be. I hate the neighbors have already turned on their AC.

I thought I would start dog sitting tonight and Linda surprised me with a phone call saying it starts tomorrow. Just fine with me.

Haven't talked to Jorge in a couple of days. I am concerned he is upset at me for not calling him yesterday on my day off. I just had lots going on. I tried to call tonight and it went straight to voicemail. I suppose he is working and will try again tomorrow. Whatever.

Had a little talk with Nico today out in the parking lot. He thinks I am crazy and he is concerned for me. It is a bit unsettling. I trust him and when he says something is shaddy....not sure?

I think I want to switch birth controls. Just to the generic version of Portia I think. I was on it for the last two months and seemed to be doing better, less moody and emotional on it then with Portia...shoulder shrug...I will talk to Dillons Pharmacy next month. I think Portia just makes me not a pleasant person to be around. Cranky bitch is more like it!

Kim told me she talked to my cousin Michelle yesterday and says her mom, Aunt Ann, is just tickled pink at the thought of having me as a roommate. I think it will be so good for me. I am looking for a new chapter in my life. I am counting down the days I can leave Longhorn's and Manhattan in general. I am just ready to close the book on this one.

So the kitchen is now being run by Marty. the 50-something, old man manager with dentures and chew occasionally in and out of his mouth. Bleh. This is how I feel about it. Marty is a nice guy, good ole Georgia boy, but sometimes the comments he makes to me...

to put it nicely, it makes my hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my skin crawl.

He just called my name as I was walking by and I turned and said, "Yes Marty?"
"Bridget, you want to get married?" a bit confused I just stood and looked dumbfoundedly at him.
I was like"Ummm.....???"
"Well you see Bridget, I am looking for my third wife and I just thought?"
"Ummmmm........???"
"Just thought you would be a good one."
"Marty take 25 and add another 20 years too it and then look for a woman your own age."
"nah, I like them young....and trainable."
..
....
......
........give it some time to all sink in. Manager, marriage, younger women, dentures....trainable
.....
..
.

EWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWwwaWWWWwww!

Eww

Bleh, just threw up in my mouth a little.

Then Ben just had to pipe up with, "She only likes it if she can put a sombrero on him." Uhhh, thanks Ben.

Things that just make you want to go Blaeh :S

On a different note, can we just talk about the new dishwashers smile.Marcos :) when he smiles it is quite literally from ear to ear and with his whole face. I love smiley eyes and he is definitely a kindred spirit in that sense. It is hard to be upset at work when I work with him.

Can't wait to get into the hot tub tomorrow night....


mmmmm....hot tub.

Oh man, I should set the alarms and get some shut eye, 5 am is going to be awfully early.

Love  you, B

Hardy Plants, Resumes, and Priorities

Old spice commercials are oddly funny and sometimes just odd.

I killed the replacement flower for Jorge's valentine flower that he gave me. I like watering my plants. I just need hardy plants that can handle me not that need to be handled. 

I am brushing up my resume. Going to go after the lunch rush to Coco Bolos, Houlihans, and a few more places. I also want to go talk to Olive Garden about when I transfer to AZ. 

Did you know if you apply and get a job at Target you will have to take a pee test? I hardly drink and never do drugs but I have no desire to pee in a cup...messy business. Not appealing.

I don't think I am going to Mexico in July, it might be August. We both are a little downhearted about it. He has caught a cold. I wish I was there to take care of him. Rub vicks on his chest and make him hot tea. He is so close to having enough money to open his restaurant He is 2,000 MXN pesos short, or 200 American dollars. I am not sure what this means for us but it makes me happy he is close to his dream. He talked about it a lot when we were together. He would run a good clean business. Maybe it could expand to the US? Who knows where things will lead?

I decided not to go home for Miss Michael's Birthday party. I feel like the worst aunt in the world, but talked to Thomas this morning and made me feel a bit better about it. 

Dog sitting this next week. Not looking forward to the gas I will us getting to and from work but the hot tub will be nice. 

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Priorities, funny how they change over the course of your life. How friends come and go. I feel like my priorities have changed rapidly back and here and there over the last year. Its been a bit of a roller coaster, mind fuck and an emotional mess. It's just funny, I go to college and made ''NEW" friends, they say those are the friends you keep for life; however, it's interesting to see how many of them I have kept. 

Idk, I see that R and V are having a weekend together. I honestly haven't talked to either, like really talked to them in months. They are in cahoots, as my father would say. I know Vicky has been on a diet and weight loss regime but she hasn't talked to me about it. Which is fine I know Rhona and her have been keeping super tight, probably since I have introduced a new priority into my life, Jorge. It's fine...well it bothers me a little or otherwise I wouldn't be talking about it. They say they are friends for life, ride or die...just funny how priorities change. 

I have a certain set of girls that I could call without seeing or talking too in months, and yet we could pick right back up where we left off, like not a day has gone by. Its perfect. We all get that things are going on in each others lives and yet we know if we really need one another we are there for each other. Life one drunken night when lack of sleep, food and too much drink lead to a little vomit and utter emotional break down outside of a saloon and my real girls got me back to my house and into my bed. Love them. 

If you would have asked me this time last year where I saw myself in a year,  I would have said, I will be accepted in a graduate program, still single, far from wanting kids, not working for Darden anymore....Ha, how life has changed. 

Life has changed. 

People come and go, but they are in your life for a reason, some longer than others. Some to teach you lessons you otherwise might not have learned. 

Love, B

Happy 5th Birthday to Miss Michael Rose Lee

Happy 1st Birthday to Mr Logan Camille Brandt

Give yourself a pat on the back.

I thought I wanted to blog, now I am unsure. 

...

I am going to send up a prayer for those in Oklahoma and Texas affected by the tornados that have ripped through there the last couple of days. It makes you stop take another look at your life, be thankful and tell those you love you love them.  

My heart hurts. I have cried too much in the last few days. Work has been absolutely horrible. Well the work is the same, but the some of the people who work there or did work there are lazy, lazy, lazy. It drives me nuts. We had too more call it quits in the last week. That brings the count to eleven, in the kitchen alone, in the last few months since our new GM started. High turnover rates, she likes to blame it on being a college town; however, only one of the eleven who quit in the kitchen were in school. Crazy how its because we are in a college town, huh? 

I seriously do not get it. I feel if I was in a management position, I would be everywhere, non stop. I would be setting up the line, constantly restocking, seeing what my kitchen needed to succeed on a busy night. I would be helping the servers run food, grab extra drinks, stock plates, etc..."Oh you need salad prepared on the fly, ok uno momento!" "Hey, Juan, let me wash dishes for awhile while you catch." "Oh hey, Heather can I fold some napkins for you while you greet your new table?" "Hey Hunter, you stay up here I will go do the restroom check."  

Come on sweet cheeks, you must not tell lies, like, "Oh hey Bridget, I will be on the line all night with you!" then only show up twice. Because twice you were in my way and I seriously don't have time for you or any of it. Get out the way little girl. Just cause you in a longhorn shirt and hat don't mean shit to me. Dismiss yourself. 

Go have someone else help you pat yourself on the back. I don't have enough hands or time to stop and stroke your ego. 

Jorge made me promise to go talk to Olive Garden. 

Ben, is back in black. Good old Benjamin, how I missed your snarky comments and the Miss Bridge before you ask me questions. 

Today I got up curled my hairs, put on some makeup and actually got dressed in something other than black work clothes. It was lovely and I felt lovely and just beautiful. I had a list of things to do so I got Kim up from her nap and drug her around town. One of my stops was La Estrellas, Mexican Tienda. I walked in and The man behind the counter was bagging up items but stopped and just stared. I looked at the other customers and back at him, everyone was staring. Maybe Gringas don't usually just wander in. I finally said Hola, I need one phone card and got out my Homies card and showed it to him. He finally snapped out of it and asked me some questions about which card I wanted. I asked if he ran credit cards, he did, so I paid the man. He was examining my debit card with such seriousness, I asked if he needed to see my ID. He said no but looked up as he was handing it back. "Your name is Bridget?" Uhh, Yes. "It's a beautiful name." Thank you. He was handing me the slip to sign, I made eye contact as usual, his hand lingered on the slip and pen as I was trying to take it from him he said "Bridget, you have the most beautiful eyes." Uhhh, gracias. I handed the slip back and bid him a buenas tardes. It makes a girl feel good to be noticed. No one has mentioned my eyes since Jorge was here to tell me. They are my one of my most favorite features about myself, so it is always extra nice when someone tells me how pretty they are. I guess I will pat myself on the back, GO ME and my SPECIAL EYES! 

Ok, love you all, 

good night <3 b="" font="">

Afternoon Coffee.

I don't want to think about it,
I don't want to talk about it...
I am so confused about it.

Thanks JT, that is sort of how I feel about it.

Yesterday was spent in Topeka with my friend Megs. I tried Indian food for the first time. I was indifferent to it, neither liked nor disliked it. I really wanted Vietnamese, however, it is always good to try new things.

Topeka's Salvation Army is disappointing  I felt like we walked into a time warp, I guess all thrift stores are like that but I just expected more I suppose.

TJ Max was just as disappointing when it came to clothes. I only found a pair of sandals, some conditioner  spices and coffee. 80% of what I got was edible.

A bit underwhelming for a shopping trip, oh well (insert shoulder shrug.) I was feeling big and bloated and a bit bloody :S

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Last week, was filled with lots of work, 60 hrs and 5 min worth. It was a LONG week. Everyone had a long week.

Nico got into a car accident last Sunday night. He was fine other than bruises and some swelling. He couldn't work till Thursday so we were a bit short staffed in the prep area.

Derek, Sho, Alex, and Marcus had quite the time too. It was hard on us all.

I can't wait till Katie goes back up front or out the door. She is not a very good team player.

I learned something about myself last week when I was training one new utility/dish guy, Juan, he is from Acapulco. He used to work at Olive Garden, speaks a very little english, and asked if I had a novio, boyfriend.
I said, "yes, he is in Mexico."
He said, "oh, for school."
"Ha, no."
"Oh, working?"
"Si"
"He American right?"
"no."
"He's Mexicano?"
"si."
"He school or no school?"
"No school."
"He restaraunt o lawn?"
"restaurant."
He stopped dusting and just looked me over and said, "lo que una mujer hermosa (what a beautiful woman)."

I told him he used to work at Olive garden and he knew who Jorge was, he then asked when he was coming back..."no se (I don't know)."

Working with Juan, struggling to understand yet learning so much from each other. It was fulfilling. I felt like I could climb mount everest after I got done working with him. It was so much fun showing him how things worked and went. I think dad was right when he said I always wanted to be a teacher. But I don't want to teach people who take learning for granted. I think, I want to teach and learn from people who have been passed over and dismissed. Juan is not stupid or slow, he just doesn't speak very much English. NBD, patience is key, as well as, persistence, and being willing to let yourself make mistakes and sound like a fool while butchering their language. It was fun. It has been awhile since I have had fun at work.

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These last couple of days I have been thinking about my future and what it holds and what I want it to hold. I feel like I need to have a talk with Jorge. I am not sure what the future holds, but what I do know is that, I want him in it. I want to have a family. I want a kiss good morning and a kiss goodnight. I want to live and laugh, cook and get messy. I want to fight and make up. I want to smile and catch the tears as they fall with my hand. I want to be there for successes and failures. I want to learn something new everyday. I want to paint. I want to just live and worrying about all the future mess is not helping me live and be happy today. So dismiss yourself, ugly thoughts.

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I work at 4:30 so I am going to go get ready. I am going to text my honey and tell him I love him, just like I am going to tell you all, SMILE because I LOVE YOU TOO :)


-B

24601

Needed some retail therapy. So, I walked around the mall, thought about swimsuits or finding cute tops, but alas ended up at target and purchased Silver Lining Playlist and Le Miserables.

I am so glad I purchased both. I am now watching Le Mis as I write this blog. Can someone get Ann and Hugh some pancakes, or Lee roast beef and potatoes. Sheesh, too skinny, I could snap them like a chicken!

Sent some selfies to my honey. Not going to lie, I love doing this. You have to do what you have to do to keep the fire kindled. ;-)

I traded Nico shifts so he could have the Monday off. It would be that Marty would schedule our only Hispanic the morning after Cinco de Mayo. He seemed appreciative. However, I think he is a bit disappointed in the fact I don't know more about Jorge's life in Mexico. He tells me a little about work and family but the conversation consists mostly of sweet nothings. Lo siento mi amigo, maybe you should make time to call your friend yourself. I am not a good information source :S

11:11 make a wish

Talked to my Aunt Ann yesterday evening. I think it is pretty settled. If I don't wish to transfer to Longhorn in Phoenix, AZ, I can come test the waters and look for a job while living with her down in Sierra Vista. Lots of restaurants around her and good art! So I need to get my 't's' crossed and 'i's' dotted before July.

Counting down the days, not for the move but for other things and other people moving on out of my life for good. can't wait.

I was pretty bad this last week about running. Tomorrow morning is a new day!

Love, B

15 minutes.

Where to begin. These last two days have been most excellent days. 

My honey finally got one new phone. I was napping when I got the text yesterday at 1:18 pm. I did not hesitate, I jumped up, told kim to keep napping, grabbed my purse and some shoes and ran for the door. My first thought was Nico so to Longhorn I went. I ran in and went straight to the line. Nico was caught by surprise and I couldn't put two words together I was shaking/almost crying. I finally got out that Jorge was alive and he messaged me. I handed him my phone card and was like how do I call him? He explained and I took myself back out to the parking lot. I dialed and he answered! 

It was soooo good to hear his voice. I started crying immediately. He asked if I was happy or sad. I said happy, always happy to hear his voice. We talked for awhile and he asked if I was working, I said no but I came to Longhorn to ask Nico how to call him. So I said uno momento honey and took myself back inside and handed the phone to Nico. It was good to see his him so happy. We were both so worried about Jorge, it was so great, my heart almost couldn't take it. 

Michele chased me down in the parking lot when I finished talking to Jorge and asked me about him. She was genuinely happy that he was ok and made it home. She apologized for everything that went down and it felt good. I told her no one would be able to kick the smile off of my face today. I was completely and utterly happy. 

Today, I got to talk with my Aunt Rosie and a little bit to my Aunt Ann before I went to work. I have a phone date with Ann this Saturday afternoon. But right now, I have one with my honey. 

I love you all and wish you a very good night filled with sweet dreams, 

<3 b="" div="">

Mi Alma Te Sequira

Tonight is going to be a hard night, I already feel it. My heart hurts and my memories are fresh.  I have been doing so well holding it all together but I just want to cry and so it shall be.

Sundays were his only whole day off. So he would do laundry, eat with his roommates/amigos and then hopefully do music that night. He was the singer in the band. He loves his music, don't they all. I would give him till ten, ten thirty then message him and ask if he wanted to come over. we would just lay in bed and watch Mexican youtube music videos and talk about our past week and the week yet to come.

"Mi Alma Te Seguira" - Alessandra Nuzzi

An example of one of the many music videos we watched. I think this sounds better en Espanol and is appropriate for this month. 

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Nico looked tired today. He works two full time jobs. I am not sure how he does it. I have one and I am exhausted or so I think I am. 

He looked hopfully at me today and asked if I had heard from Jorge. I told him I would have messaged him if I had and we both would be talking to him right now. Nico says he doesn't understand what is taking so long. He is worried for his best friend.

I can only pray to God and keep my faith that he is alive and fine. I am hoping he is with his family and has just gotten so caught up in being home he hasn't had time to send word. No matter, I will forgive whatever. But if come next Sunday and I don't hear from him, I might lose my mind. However, for now, I will just shed a few tears, listen to some music videos and remember all the good times. 

Love you all.

B

In bed...

Today plum wore me out.

People at work frustrate me.

What's new.

Don't want to be there? Leave. The end.

Still no word....

Getting antsy and more worried.

Don't think I will rest completely easy until I hear from him. And then I don't think I will rest easy until he is holding me again. Ok, enough.

Went to church . It felt good but wish I wasn't so tired. Tomorrow is another early one but I am actually looking forward to truck and prep with Nico. So I will say goodnight to all, mostly Scottee.

And a goodnight to my love, wherever he may be. Love and miss you (also applies to Scottee)

-B

Booty Do.

"Her stomach sticks out further than her booty do."

Keep it short and sweet tonight.

Worked a double.

Took a small run this morning.

Could explain why I feel like a zombie right now.

Open to close then open again. Sounds fair, huh?

Haven't heard from Jorge yet.

I am holding out hope for tomorrow or Sunday.

All I could think about all night was getting off, getting a shower, and having him hold me.

le sigh.

Te Extrano mi amor.

<3 b="" p="">

Sunkissed

My first thought when I heard my alarm was, "why bother."

Then my second thought was, "Because you are Bridget Fuckin Lee thats why, now get your ass up."

So got up and went for a three mile run/walk this morning. Don't know where all this energy came from but once I started I just couldn't stop. I walked twice, but I am so out of shape, I am surprised I didn't walk more.

Cleaned house and conned Kim into helping me. It was good and the house smells and looks like a MILLION dollars.

Made Grandma Lee's strawberry shortcake for dinner with Ken and Megs tonight. It was sooo good. I am sad Megan felt a bit poopy.

Her dogs are cute.

I feel so much better today. I think I needed to put everything down in black and white and not on paper, not yet, but in here. I think, that it might have killed me if I would have actually penned those words on paper. For some reason paper and pen makes it seem so final and a bit hopeless, but more romantic then in a blog I suppose. I just needed a way to record it and I did.

I still haven't heard from him but he said it would be Friday or Saturday before he could get a new phone. I just keep watching facebook chat and my phone hasn't left my side. I think I will rest so much easier knowing he is ok. That he is home with his Mom and his babies.

I got lots of sun today, and water. Maybe this is why my attitude has improved. Oh and having two days off in a row has helped. Wish I would have made it home but with my luck with vehicles lately I don't think that the longer drive would be a great idea.

I made salsa today and it is FUCKING DELICIOUS! Mmmm, had it for breakfast and lunch and plan on eating the rest tomorrow. So good.

I work a double tomorrow. bleh.

Rhona and Kimo invited me out for a drink. Part of me wants to say no but they promised not to stay out past midnight and I know I would be up anyway. So I accepted. I better go get ready....

what to wear...what to wear?
clothes I suppose.

I cannot wait to get up and go for another run tomorrow.

I feel like I have two options:

          1. Sit around, be sad and mopey, and die a little inside and out...

or...

         2. Look HOT for him when I get to see him next. I choose life and lookin like a Bad Ass.

Oh and I kind of forgot how nice and addicting a good run is.

Thinking about salsa...
Ha, part of me is glad he is not here to kiss me, he would probably only taste salsa kisses.

Alright cutting it short and kind of sweet...or savory...or spicy :)

-B

P.S. Love running to this song.  First time watching this video...looks kind of like soft porn. But it makes you want to get up and move and that is what matters!

Enur feat. Natasja - Calabria 2007 (Ultra Music)

I got $20 in my pocket,

Just found this recent photo of him on his timeline. 

Those eyes and that proud, smug, little smile. 

I love how happy he looks in this picture, careless thrift store fun.

I cannot wait to see his face again.

With love, B

Sweet sadness.

Jaymay, You are the only one I love

This song came on over my pandora as I pulled the truck away from him last night. It really did not hit me what I had done until I got two blocks from the house and I had to talk myself down out of hysteria. 

This is quite literally, the most physically and emotionally difficult thing I have ever done in my life of 25 years.

It all happened so suddenly.

I feel like the worst person for posting what I did on Sunday because Monday afternoon I found out why he hadn't texted me. He bought his bus ticket and would be leaving on Tuesday night and he was so sad he didn't want me to be sad too. 

One of my friends called this act selfish, but quite honestly, that thought never crossed my mind. He was trying to protect me. He hurt so bad he wanted to save me from it too. I thought it rather brave to try to carry all that hurt by himself. However, the burden is easier to carry with another set of hands and heart. 

I was working a double that day. I didn't have much time between breaks so I just stayed and had lunch with Alex at the store, Nico was line cook for lunch. I had taken a little walk around the strip mall but came right back with this information and presented it to Nico, Jorge's roommate. He just listened to me carry on for a bit then looked at me and told me not to cry. I said, "I won't, I don't know if I have time to be mad or sad right now, he is leaving tomorrow!" 

So I insisted I see Jorge that night after work, quickest close ever. I knew it was his last night and his roommates were going out drinking but I hadn't gotten to see him since Friday, tonight he was mine. He agreed and came quietly. His quiet strength amazes me. I mean if it were me I would want to kick and scream and just lose it, not him, so quiet, so strong. 

I showered and had some dinner. we chit chatted for awhile but in the end we ended up watching each other, studying each other features; the way his eye lashes lay on his cheeks when he blinks or closes his eyes, the scar on his forehead and underneath his bottom lip, his mole on the right side of his chin, his big brown eyes, just taking everything about each other in. I think we both knew and were resigned to the fact that this was going to be our last night, meaningless chit chat would never fill the void that was about to be in both of our chests.

He reached for me and I went willingly into those strong arms. We kissed slowly and wiped away each others burning tears. He then held me so tight I thought I might melt right into him. I willed my skin to absorb right into his. 

The next morning, we walked outside to snow. He looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, "What a crazy day." ...and how.

I worked, so I took him home and went to clean and prep at Longhorns. Got out of there about noon. Texted him because he was going to take me to the Mexican Grocery store to get a phone card. He was with Nico and little Juan having lunch at La Fiesta. He called and asked me to join them. I changed and went. 

I always feel like Nico is so cool and collected. I got there and Nico scooted over to let me sit down. I was starving but when I got there I couldn't even look at the chips and salsa. I forced myself to eat something, a chicken tacos and rice. I got to sit across from Jorge, so I could study him. He looked so fatigued and hadn't really touched his food. And I didn't listen to most of the conversation, but Nico finally said, "Bridget, you is gringa, it is very easy for you. You get your passport and the world is open to you." He said, "I, I is Mexican, but I cannot go back to Mexico, it is not good, but you, for you it is very easy. Do not be sad." I just smiled and shook my head. I get tired of being told not to be sad, but somehow managed to smile. 

So Jorge and I got up and left. I swear we gave every employee of La Fiesta whiplash for how fast they turned their heads to stare at us walk out together hand in hand. Seeing as most of them know him and me separate. I mean, Rosa and I are on first name terms and the cute little chip guy turned server that I used to smile and make eyes with looked a bit betrayed. 

Went to the tienda and Jorge bought me a $10 phone card to call Mexico on Saturday.

After that he came with me to Sprint to add on international messaging onto my line of the family phone plan. 

We then came back to the house to spend the afternoon together. We layed in bed, after a while of listening to his even breathing I finally fell asleep. We napped, we got up and I showered, and dropped him back home so he could finish getting ready, cut his hair, check his luggage for everything, and get my pillow and blankets in order to return to me. 

I picked him up at eight, he came out looking so sharp, and every article of his clothing besides his boots were purchased by me; dark wash Levi's, a crisp, clean, white t-shirt, his black long sleeve thermal shirt, with his nice jacket on top. Oh and cleanly shaven. Mmmm....I just smiled. I love when he dresses up. Some kind of carnal instinct makes me want to rip those clothes off that he wears so well.

He came carrying my favorite pillow and my Columbia, fleece jacket Mom and Kim got me for Christmas last year. I love this fleece and he kind of confiscated it this past fall. It was ok with me, but he wasn't going to need it, so he returned it. When he turned and went back for his luggage, I just held it up to my face and smelled it. His earthy, sweet, man scent. Is it sad that I am wearing it right now and I wore it to bed last night? It just feels right, almost like he is holding me right now.

Got into the truck and pulled out. Got out to the highway, he made a phone call and it broke my heart. I knew it was to Nico telling him he left Manhattan. I almost cried then but held it in. Sensing his need for me to be strong just then. I kept my eyes on the road and handed him a Kleenex. 

We neared Topeka and the GPS took us to 6th Ave. We went up and down it looking for the place this bus stopped but ended up stopping at a couple of food trucks to ask for directions. 

Side note, before I met Jorge, I might call this area of Topeka the shady part of town; however, since being with Jorge I have learned to take a second look. This maybe an older part of Topeka, past downtown, but not necessarily the shady part. The whole street is Mexican, that's all. Not once was I worried. It is only thought shady because it is unknown and people make assumptions, me being one of them until now. Life lesson I guess. 

So it was where Scottee told me we might find it. I parked right across the street from Deportes y Mas, not an IMAX like the guy who gave Jorge directions...

We were an hour early. He unbuckled my seat belt and pulled me towards him. We just held each other for awhile. It is amazing how hot tears can get, like they just want to burn a hole right through you to your soul because that is how these felt. I am glad I stopped and grabbed some Kleenex. 

When I finally composed myself I pulled away and asked Jorge if I could give him a gift. He just smiled at me and shook his head yes. I grabbed my purse and pulled out a rosary. It is one my grandmother gave me, I have many she gave me but this one never felt like mine. It was red and more masculine than the other ones I own. As soon as I saw it on my shelf, I knew it was his. I asked him if he remembered the first time I drove him home and how he grabbed my chin and told me to, "Vaya con Dios." He shook his head and I placed the rosary around his neck and he squeezed his eyes shut and fat, silent tears rolled down his already damp cheeks. I just tucked it in his shirt and said, "Vaya con Dios, mi amor." I told him to be strong, go with God, and come back to me. He just looked at me and said, "thank you." 

Again we held each other. Drinking each other in. I lost it when he grabbed my forehead and pulled me in close to his chest and buried his face in my hair, smelling my hair. He loves my hair. Oh man. it was like a movie, one of those super cheesy, sweet ones like the Notebook. 

The bus was actually a mini van and it was 36 minutes late. I helped him with his luggage, the driver got in and Jorge and I just stood and looked at each other, I grabbed his collar and pulled him close and kissed him, when we parted I asked for 'un mas,' meaning, 'one more.' A little something I always say, because I just never want one kiss, I always want one more. He told me not good bye, it was see you later. I said "Yes honey, see you in Mexico." 

He got into the van and I into my truck. I pulled away first and made it home. He texted me right as I was pulling into my drive if I made it there. I love that man.

Laying in this bed, the bed we have shared for almost nine months and knowing he is on some bus south of the border is so, not heartbreaking but I don't know, it's sad. I have this helpless feeling right now. His phone stopped working at the border. I sent him a text and he hasn't responded. I don't know if he made it past or where he is. Its killing me...this not knowing.

Our plan we kept repeating to keep us sane, is he is going to text me his new phone number on Friday and I will call him on Saturday to make sure he has made it....what if I never get that text? What if his facebook stays static and he never logs on? what if he is in a ditch somewhere?

These thoughts are the ones I have to fight off. I have to stay positive and hopeful. 

Not going to lie, prayer has helped. every time a negative thought pops up, it;s a Hail Mary to keep me calm. 

so this is our story. 

Our sweet sadness, 

-b

P.S. I went and applied to get my passport this morning. Four to six weeks before the world lay at my fingertips. 

P.S.S. He replied back to my text with, "Ok mi amor, see you then."

Love, B

When there is nothing to give.

Damien Rice, Delicate:

I am feeling a little needy tonight I suppose. I want him to want me as bad as I want him right now. I am over thinking things and worrying as usual. I just need a little positive reinforcement right now after this week and the roller coaster we have both been on. I need my man to call me up and say, "Hey Honey, I need you."

I guess you could say, I am feeling delicate.

I have all these negative thoughts rolling around in my head. Maybe if I voice my concerns, they will seem silly and more easily dismissed.

I miss my Scottee more then ever. She always knows exactly what to say.

I am feeling a bit neglected. I am trying to make sure you are ok, always ok. It seems stupid the hoops I have and will jump through to make sure you are comfortable and happy, or anyone for that matter. But I have caught myself putting the things I have loved on the back burner for you and you can't seem to bother answering one simple text. No I am sure you have some great excuse, oh uh huh...reason, my bad, for not getting back to me in a timely fashion.

I know you want to go home. YOU SAID SO A MONTH AGO! You told me 2-10 months and you would be gone. Well sorry honey, I started making plans. Plans I want and will follow through with. Making calls tomorrow. I can't stay in Manhattan forever. It is not a healthy place for me. I need wide open spaces. I need room to paint, to grow as a person and artist. My time here is over.

With this said, I was sad when I thought you were leaving me right away. I will be sad. I LOVE YOU. the end. Hard concept to grasp because it seems like you find a good girl and they leave you. I would not have made this decision if I didn't think you were leaving me too. I have abandonment issues as well. I LOATHE the thought of being forgotten or left behind. It is one of my BIGGEST fears. Why, I still don't know to this day? I just hate it. It scares me.

Back to my plans. I wouldn't have made plans if you wouldn't have made plans...11:11 make a wish...I would have resigned and stayed here with you; if you were staying. But you were leaving me first, so I then decided to take care of myself. Now you are hurt I am leaving in 3 months. Not fair. I am so confused about where we are in this relationship I feel like the song above:


We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

Why do you sing with me at all? I have had this on my mind all day. Am I the one that makes you happy? I know you make me happy, but if I don't do the same for you as you do for me then there is a problem....

All of these thoughts are scary. But that is the scariest of them all. I can't help it letting run through my mind when you don't respond to me or seek me out after a few days of not seeing each other...when you stopped sending me little romantic Te amo mucho mucho mucho texts.

I get it but I don't all at them same time and the signs kind of look like they are pointing in a direction I choose not to dwell on most of the time; however, the wee hours of the night seem like a perfect time to lay awake and roll them around.

Anyway, Debbie downer. You are welcome.

Alright, enough is enough and more is just a little too much. Going to wish my lovelies and my honey a good night

 Love you all, B


P.S. Painted with Acrylics today. So frustrated. Need some gouche, which I thought I had from a grad gift but come to find out they are water colors....le sigh. So need to order some gouche. Not going to give up even though they do not have a glow or are as rich as oils are. Getting more frustrated just thinking about it.

P.S.S. Spent some good days with Kimmi the last couple of days. Good memories and food.

Love you, B

One day at a time.

Thursday night was the night Jorge found out if he got to keep his job here...

He doesn't.

When moment I read his text the tears started. And kept going throughout the night. I was sad for him and for us. I guess I thought this meant he was immediately going home to his family in Mexico. It made me super sad.

I got up the next day and had to pull a double. I had to go into work knowing that he would not be by my side, telling me how to cut my veggies or clean a pot or how I should be careful carrying hot pans. I guess I was having my own, selfish little pity party. I was walking around as though the man had died.

NEWS FLASH: He is NOT dead.

However, I just insisted on being a sad, mopey, person all day. I was up cooking mushrooms off and Little Jared came over and asked me what was wrong. He was like, "are you tired?"
"No."
"Are you sick?"
"No."
Finally, Nico interrupted him and said, "she is sad." He then turned to me and said, "I am sad too. I miss my friend." For those of you who do not know, which is everyone, Nico is Jorge's bestie. Tighter then a fat kid in spandex. Anyway, that set me off. I started tearing up over the grill and had to go pull myself together.

It was just a rough day all around, on line, prep, just everything, so when I got outside on break I had to put in a very wet phone call to my kindred spirit. It helped and I finally pulled myself together.

That night when I got back to work it got better, working with good people makes all the difference in the world. I finally finished around 11 pm, put a text into Jorge, picked him up and braced myself. He got into the truck and told me Nico and the little guy told him I was crying at work. He said, "Honey, why are you sad? you didn't lose your job and you have friends and family, and I am not dead. STOP, crying. You are moving in three months anyway."

He is right. This is not the end of the world and I never stopped to think how all this would make him feel. He not only has lost his job but he has me telling him how sad I am, but also has Nico and Little guy telling him how sad they are. It is not good for him. I should be supporting him and not throwing the world's biggest pity party.

So done thinking about myself...for now.

Feeling inspired and most likely will do a little painting for my honey.

Also getting my paperwork in order for my passport. Long time coming.

Alright off to bed, 5 am comes pretty early for truck.

love, B

His skin is my skin.

The first email I received this morning was my Word of the Day from Spanishdict.com. 
The word was:

secar seh-kahr' (verb)

to dry

The funny thing is there is nothing dry about today.

I got up, took Jorge home, and decided to get dressed and take a run. I ran in the rain and this song came on my Pandora. 

Ray LaMontagne - Empty

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes

Laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times

I must admit you kind of bore me"

This all started back last April. Ashley, an old KM at Longhorn hired a new dishwasher to replace Jose. His name was Armando. I really didn't get to work with the new dishwasher, I heard rumors of him being outspoken, being efficient and getting dishes really clean. 

It was early last May, I was working a Friday night and had to go back in the walk in for some salad mix and tomatoes. I came out of the walk in, saw him putting on his apron, and he looked like a proud sort of man. It was in those few short seconds I made my decision. I am usually pretty shy around new people, I am still unsure why I stopped, un-gloved my hand, stuck it out and said, "Hola!"

I remember his face distinctly, I am not sure I will ever forget it. It was a face filled with wonder and surprise. "What is this gringa doing saying Hola to me..." kind of face. It was priceless. He then took my hand and I asked, ""Como te llamas?" "Armando, y tu?" "Bridget." And that is how it all started.

Every time I worked with him, I would find him watching me. Then one night I was restocking salad side before I left and Armando stopped Alex and told him something in Spanish. Alex then turned to me and said, "Hey B-to-the-ridget, Armando says you work hard and work good and one of these days he will make you his girlfriend."

This is when the "Hey Sweetie," "Hola Mi Amor," and little air smooches started. This continued through the summer and we became good work friends. I started trading Austin shifts, giving him my shifts on Monday and Tuesday nights, so I could work doubles, open to close, on Friday, Saturdays just so I could work with Armando. Every night I would offer to be security and close with him, and every night I would offer him a ride home. He would always politely decline and tell me to go with God.

It was late July we had a particularly busy Friday night, again I did security with Armando, and again offered him a ride home. This time he accepted and got in. it was a hot night so I put the windows down and asked him directions. It wasn't far to his house and I pulled in the drive way and turned to tell him to have a good night. He surprised me by grabbing my chin and told me, "vaya con Dios."

He then let me go and got out of the car.  I was disappointed he didn't pull me closer and give me a little kiss. So I took myself home, showered and slept getting ready for the double I was going to be working the next day. It came soon enough, open to close, busy, busy, busy. I did security, but this time I didn't offer to take him home I told him I was taking him home. Told him to get in the car. He got in and I took off. We pulled up to his house and we both just kind of sat for a second. He turned to me and grabbed my chin, telling me to, "vaya con Dios." But this time he did not relinquish his hold, instead he pulled me closer and we kissed.

Story for the grandchildren right.

I hope so. I love this man. I never thought it would lead to this but it has.

In a few short weeks it seems as if everything has fallen apart at the seams. Not between him and I, our relationship is stronger then ever. He makes me want to be a better, happier, stronger person. He makes me laugh and smile. I have never felt so comfortable or at ease with another person in my life. This all sounds so cheesy but it is true. However this may all change, he might have to leave me to go home to his family.

I understand what family means and I would never try to keep anyone from their family but being without him makes my heart ache. Like there is this very large, gaping, empty hole sitting in my chest cavity. He finds out tonight when he is going back.

I have been trying not to cry, he hates to see me sad but every night my pillow has welcomed my silent tears. I think Jorge can sense it cause he always turns and pulls me close and just holds me. It is sad for us both. I am trying to not think of myself and how much I hurt I try to envision his face and the faces of his family as they see each other for the first time in two years. I am trying to channel all the happiness that those hearts will have and hold during that time.

Right now that is what is keeping me going.

-b